Round 1: deacon
 

Topic: Shadows
Due: Tuesday April 1st.
Line max: 16 lines any more will not be counted.

The top 15 will advance.

I think you made it to that place---
Where man can displace fiction fulminating his value of lifes disgrace--
You were sheltered and your reasoning was clear---
life lasted so long and with a blast from death all truth did appear-
It was easy to be hidden from a vision in the past---
But with intentions of wrong doing this shelter will never last--
It was dark within the walls and even darker in your eyes---
And in that tunnel with the recesses i heard the angel cry-
Was it the pride that was ridden with deception of a million---
Or a catacomb of those bodies inwhich your wicked soul was driven--
Without the shelter of the shadows you'd probably give your wrist incisions------



Alright basically the shadow is the shelter----and thats all this man has left is to be isolated from reality cause he's stuck in an cataleptic mind barrier---- -1-

..closed until judgin..

Start voting

way too much straying from topic.
didnt like your rhyme scheme either.

vote: doesnt proceed.

.Sand. Im not sure the rules but if i can extract a biased vote you would be the first---LOL strayed from the topic and rhyme scheme you didnt like----Sand you didnt decipher this poem very well---Am i allowed to count this one out due to the lack of criticism and poor reasoning-

deacon dont take this the wrong way cuz its juss my opinion but i think you mos def have the writing skillz, but u try to hard to fallow the structure of how it should be, and dont put enough emotion into it. I personally would prefer a oiece that had lil vocab and poor rhyme structure but had feeling and emotion to the vice versa
i wasnt really feelin it srry dawg.

Gran thef What you just said was that since my written had to much work into it and content that too much content can displace a meaning/ emotion of a poem. That makes no sense and honestly if you find no emotion in the poem i just wrote everything is emotionless. I think this is one of my favorite pieces but then again everyone despised Poe until he died. pretty Ironic---If this piece isn't excepted i dont belong here---

lmao at deacon...dont compare your self to poe...
your not even close...and dont bullshit. take the
votes for what they are. dont bitch about things

.Sand. your not shit compared to me---on a plus side i wasn't comparing myself to poe you ignorant naif of a writter---do not wallop at your leader bow to him bitch----

ummm well... at parts you could say it was on the topic... then at parts it strayed... it was overall good and this was a hard topic to be creative with... you were creative so
vote: next round

lol^^^Angelic, me and decon are on tha same page...Where his character found shelter in tha shodows, mine was saved by them...if you're going to vote be consistant in your voting...

decon, good work...if we make it to tha next round you'll be good competition...they said I strayed from tha topic too...but we'll see...personally, I think they just don't want to contend with us because we are tooooo talented....we shouldn't be voting anyways...tha moderators should...I vote you move to tha next round.

Okay, now this was interesting...

..i don't think it really strayed off the topic....the piece was just flipped upside down...your described the situation before finally telling us what it was...hence the shadow mention on the last line..."shelter of shadows."..

...it's an interesting way of doing things, kind of original...i felt it was very good all the way through, with a few hiccups along the way..but only a few....but the end "...probably give your write incisions"..i thought was kind of poor, made the seem blunt and didn't conform to the essence of the piece...mainly the use of the word 'incisions'....

..but still, i felt this strong enough to go through...

...Vote: Deacon DOES go through.

Also i find .sand.'s comments not valid and fair, and with the approval of Phrantik, his vote shall be stricken from this piece...

..i respect it's your opinion on the piece, and i can see where you're coming from, but overall he didn't stray from the topic too much at all...he was building up to a climax, virtually every line was about 'shadows'.one way or the other.....

thank you guys for the reassurance LOL

-1-

^votes dont count.

Tik's scale of grade:

Metaphors:
the whole thing was a mtaphore but i believe for a piece to be truly beutiful you must not need to explain them. at first ebfore readign your comment at the end i never picked up on the shadows bit but with your explanation it came through. try not to need to explain it but use more words that relate to your topic so we get the point.

Imagery:
Fairly well carried the whole way through. Used very good vocab to not really create the scene but make us think it, hear it, taste it. Your vocabullary is vast and it works to your advantage, but try to use stronger adjectives to describe whats goin on. But, well done.

Originality/Style:
As V said, it was very original in the way you did it and came out strong. your vocab itself sets you apart from the weaker poets, and makes you stand out. THe flow was good, i had no troubles following until near the end. V said it was blunt, i think you coulda went deeper there, giving the total metaphorical style to your piece.

Overall:
Good piece, nice short, easy to read.
On a scale of 1-10 id have to rank it an 8