"Injection"...
 

hey..Check it...Tell me what you think...Anything welcome..Bad or good..Thankz

Injection...

They say that you have done Wrong
And that this is now where you belong
It was more than theft or tokin' a bong
They escort you down the Grey Halls
Nothing on the side, but jail cells and walls
You couldn't respect the laws
You just had to take his damn life
Now your leaving behind 2 kids and a wife
It's a shame you couldn't make better choices
Maybe you shouldn't listen to those inner voices
You have now done your time
For commiting such a hideous crime
Your set to be Exicuted
Your life will be intruded
What made you commit homocide?
Now your gonna die...
As you walk into the Chamber
You know your lifes in danger
They Chain you Down to the Table
You try to fight, but you aren't able
Watching the doctor walk around you
Clutching your fist so hard they turn blue
You realise there is nothing you can do
Your inside burn like a deep infection
On your arm you feel A light Compression
Then you fall Limp From the Injection.

What a suprise, another good one from you ;) It started off pretty good and got better. I liked the content and flow of it too.

"As you walk into the Chamber
You know your lifes in danger
They Chain you Down to the Table
You try to fight, but you aren't able
Watching the doctor walk around you
Clutching your fist so hard they turn blue
You realise there is nothing you can do
Your inside burn like a deep infection
On your arm you feel A light Compression
Then you fall Limp From the Injection."

That was my favorite part. Very good descriptions in it. I liked how it rhymed too. Those last 3 lines are really good. Keep posting them.

Thank you once again!..I will post some more soon.

damn babygirl that shit was off tha chain..it was simple but put me in awww..over all that shit was tight,keep postin boo.

Thank you! ;)

hmmmmm, i like, like, i think u could have a spot at the revalation angels, my gurl angelic does poetry too, yall could make a great team

You really think so? wow lol...Thanks for letting me know. Do I have to try out to get in or something?

That has great flow, realistic and quite sudden, i liked it, it really gets you in and keeps you there, a poetic way of seeing crime, nice angle!

Thank you..I appreciate your reply. Do you think I need to make any changes with anything? any help you can give will be greatly appreciated...thanks...

peAce

I think it's great, and you wrote what you though, you don't need to change anything, but if i wrote it this is what i would do:

'It was more than theft or tokin' a bong' and 'Now your leaving behind 2 kids and a wife', the former needs more of a refined or poetic wording rather than slang, though i understand slang is there to relate to inmates. The latter should relate to you rather then a generalization of people on death row, and emphasis on the loss of family would give more feeling.

I loved it though, it was excellent

I agree. It was just something different to write on. I have about 25 poems on me. lol. Thank you so much for your help...

peAce

gurl dat was some ill shit
loved every word keppit up boo

Thanks! I really appreciate it