Fiend Vs. Batman
 

yo im checkin in...ill drop soon

you open ya eyes one day and everything is fine
you think to yourself "look at this undestructable world of mine"
but then in the blink of an eye
we all are about to die
nobody can help it they have to cry
the world go's up in one great flame
and suddenly we are all to blame
there is one giant puff of smoke
everbody thought it was on big joke
we all knew one day it would happen but we didnt think so soon
now we are better off on the moon
you see red and orange flames but hear nothing but screams
it is so hot that tha earth is covered in steam
if we had taken it more serious we would have been prepared
for what has just happend but now there is no time to care
but if there was a next time i bet that we wouldnt dare not care and would be more prepared

this is my first time so i jus did my best...uppin...holla back at shya boy

u need to work on ur structure...
some lines are twice as long as others
also, it seems like ur rhymes were forced... the first line in a bar is relevant, but the 2nd lines are obviously just to rhyme... using better vocabulary will make it better, and easier for u to rhyme, so that should be one of the first things that u work on...
u also need to write deeper than this... the topic is inviting a piece like urs, but u need to look for a different approach to it, or a more emotional story...
keep workin on it tho :thumbup:

thanx for the feedback man....appreciate it and no hate bout tha whole leaving tha movement thing...holla at shya boy...peace

Vote and leave 3 Links.

Tweety, I don't see how they'll supposed to get links out of how many battles there are without no-shows... his opponent didn't check in, so I'm advancing him. If you have any problems with the way I'm doing this, be sure to take it up with me on AIM.