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-   -   Black Coma (Part 1) (http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=247085)

Nikolai 07-24-08 08:17 PM

Black Coma (Part 1)
 
There's something crawling behind her facial expression
Scrutiny and mutiny prevail in her forever faithful depression
Torn clothing, because the fabric wasn't withstanding like her
Supposed to be the perfect girl, thats whats demanded of her
Her arms hung by her waist, almost resembling a dummy's
Still as fountain water, calm and composed but the trembling plummets
Smeared make up, the guard that her identity let's eclipse her
Majority think she's an outcast, full of rumors and casts whispers
But that's not with her, just tears and stares as she embraces the mirror
Digestion unexistent, thoughts stacked whilst her plateless dinners
A premature menopause building up, as she fails to concieve bliss
Chest out only when shes breathin in, but the breathin never lifts
Eyes glistening as if prisms looking in, despising her reflection
Drugs are her friend, her ally, didn't take long to realise her affection
Except from this surrounding, which so happens to be impounding
Escape from this torture, needing a high like the tops of the mountains
Not wanting to follow in her father's footsteps, she feels overpowered
She's distraught and grieve strucken over her parents' standards
She pop's one pill, and moments later she's popping some more
Contemplating a multiple suicide by OD'ing and a purchase at the gun store
Feeling oppressed is nothing new, it's a cycle of repeatedness
Occurs daily within the layers of a hierarchy and underachievements
And so the ending seems like it's gonna be a far from a happy one
Self murder? Runaway? Or is she gonna make sure that Daddy's gone?
Only a young girl know's how it goes, and investigators found her notes
So prepare for a black hole journey that starts with a powdered nose...
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.
.
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And the beginning of this story, has seen the teenager remain nameless
Cuz these tear stained pages are those of this narrated protagonist

Nikolai 07-24-08 08:18 PM

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post3224055

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...056#post3224056

Dickard. 07-25-08 12:22 AM

This was a surprisingly good peace man. Though I feel you failed to stay consistant with your flow and vocab. You had perfect flow and vocab throughout your first half of the verse..though after that it seemed as if you lost and sort of intelligance and sort of brought it to real life...and just straight up said waht you had to say...which wasnt nessacarly bad..but it was very noticable. The imagery was kind of bland to me really....but the emotion was greatly felt...i think thats what made your piece....overal really good drop id give it 7.5 out of ten man..keep up the good work

12-20-08 07:19 PM

^ ROFLMFAO.....

BloodVenom 01-07-09 02:56 AM

If this was a poem and I was a teacher I would give you an A+. But for a song, that grade would be lower....you need a better rhyme scheme and better choice of words.

Scrutiny and mutiny prevail in her forever faithful depression

^In her forever faithful depression?

Shakespeare? Is that you?

C'mon, my opinion is that you are trying too hard to be complex and all. You didn't seem to care about rhyming it, but rather on making it abstract. The grammar also doesn't need to be perfect when writing a song. Focus more on making it entertaining rather than looking smart.

You did have a nice concept here, try to deliver it with less Langston Hughes,


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