quick death.
 

man idk about u guys...but wen i write these om's i never go into it with a train of thought...or have any clue what my next line will be...i just put 1 word after another 1 line after another line..for once..i have something on my mind.




I Grow up and feel pain its drastic but true
Holding the torch waiting to pass it to YOU
This life line is drained strangle the breath
Junky it's gone YOU drank all the rest!
Beatin to death YOUR knee deep in this mess
But to calculate it YOUR death caused by stress
Or caused by the sip YOUR only friend in this life
Cuz love was not..what HE was sending his wife
Hard to believe though it was sip over kids
How could this be how anyone lives
Souls torn with rage brains full of lies and anguish
Can in YOUR hand thats when YOUR armed and dangerous


You are he and he is dead.

But you are certainly not missed.



Links to come.

uppin lollllllll

This is a pretty small verse, but you had the content to contend with most of the drops that are here in the Open Mics section. For what its worth, I believe you put some a descent amount of feeling in the verse and maintained the flow consistently throughout the verse....

closed no links.

Links received, reopened.


http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=246343

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post3217404

Personally I think this is shit, its short but not sweet. Rhymes are simple bro, theres a small amount of emotion, but its so short that the emotion doesnt have time to grasp, reach and hit.
Im allmost on the edge of closing this again and moving it to 'freestyle cypher'
but........
seen as you left some solid feed on my peice, Im gonna let it slide this one time.
On the real, your way above this and I hope to see a solid, thought out peice from you next time.

thanks for the feed...i just had an encounter with my dad....but was to pissed off to actually write decent shit...i appreciate it..and next time ill be thorough. good looks

dick...

i have seen better from you. in some manner, the verse was a bit on the simple side (as far as technicality goes)...and i feel that you could've dug deeper within yourself to fully express what you were feeling/going through to capitalize on the power of the drop. initially you kind of robbed yourself of that. your open mic really deserved to be elaborated upon bruh. honestly, i am not going to knock this piece in the long run simply because the emotion that you did came with within it was pretty strong...i just wished that you had let us (the readers) delve deeper into your experience.

keep up the good work though playboy. you are a talented bastard...embrace your creativity. one love.


s.v.

thanks s.v., appreciate it. i just wanted to get something out quick.

If your gonna do a sort piece never half ass on it, think about it all parts must fit together and must draw the reader to want more of the same piece, other then that this piece wasn't justifying your purpose of thought could've been better in more ways then one

The topic you chose has alot of potential and I'd like to see your skill. You should go back and redo this and actually put your heart into it. It has potential to be a great read. I saw what you put at the top and maybe you should go into with a gameplan about where you are taking your verse.

well, i thought mine was short lol

this was kind of blah all around to me. it was way too short, too bland. there wasn't enough emotion, imagery, vocab....everything. it just lacked altogether. i don't know if this is your normal drop but this piece would need serious work.

this is not my normal drop..lol

yeah, i definately thought there could have been more effort put into this, uh, and length. work on using vocab to really enforce your emotion and create your imagery to captivate the reader and leave with a sense of relation to the topic. if you say this isn't your regular drop, then keep writing dude, love to read it.