Where i live
 

i left feedback on 'deadweight' by 'erie' and 'strange fruit' by 'lil c'




I live
In a world where priests abuse children
Not in dark alleys
But in the same church of their lord
Where police murder our sons
And we’re raped of the culture we once had
Forced to modernize for our modern day oppressors
We lash out
We refuse to submit
And we are push to the wall
I live in a world
Where role models go to court
Role models go to rehab
And role models go to jail
Then role models claim not to be role models anymore
Is there really in a choice???
I live in a world
Where drug dealers are given longer sentences
Not because drugs have for so long destroyed our communities
But because drugs have reached THIER suburban America
And are destroying Thier community’s
Violent felones get less time.........
................as long as they stay in the ghetto
............as long as no one kills or robs no white people
Cuz we don’t have no white people in the slum
No black people neither
Only poor people with no green
I live
In a world where the media convicts before the jury
Where prostitution is legal through pornography
But illegal in the streets
..................at least it is until they can tax it properly
Because the world I live in is all about money
People fight for it
People kill for it
People die for it
Until everyone lives for it
You may think my world is a bad place
But guess what!!
............. I live
................In the same world as you

This drop is dope as hell fams. Great finish on the piece. Vivid emotion throughout, no doubt about that my man. Excellant imagery and choice of words. A few lines the struck me the hardest:

Cuz we don’t have no white people in the slum
No black people neither
Only poor people with no green

^Nice job getting that view across.

Because the world I live in is all about money
People fight for it
People kill for it
People die for it
Until everyone lives for it

^Nice as shit.

Keep it up.

Peace.

Damn man good to see you back... just read this shit but am mad tired so ima hit it up in the morning when i read it again when im not half passed out... if you aint know who this is holla at me through PM

Welcome back. Alright I like your poem, I had to read it a couple to fully grasp. Nice imagery, words well thought. Can't say much about this piece, you did good.

Your act don’t tower and it lack the power want your
Rhymes to flame but don’t know man behind the name
So DSM you having pain for grabbing these flames
Cook your hand keep you shook man it also tames
Brains look kid the sun is the source of light how can
You force your sight to see inside? I don’t understand
Have a blunder plan hell you must stay in wonderland
You can’t be a chamber I have plenty fun when I shoots
Like a twenty gun salute this major flavor blend with fruits

I really am unsure of why everyone is propping this so hard. All hate aside, as a poet... I really didnt find to much in this. First off, the topic of 'Poverty/Political Ghetto' is one that has been done so many times that the bar for a poem of this type has been set so high that anything that fails to reach it isnt really worth any praise once so ever. I mean, the topic has ALOT of room for originality and creativity... But in my eyes you just took a very direct aproach. Just straight up stating what you see... Which has been done time and time again.

The emotion of this piece is the only thing worth any kind of recongnition. The whole way through your emotions felt very authentic and true, rather than alot of times when kids try sooooo hard to be deep and its just so apparent in their lines. Emotion is a hard thing to describe... It's either felt or not, you cant really explain how it gave off emotion, but this piece did. So I comend you on that.

Imagery... Eeeeeeeeeh, wasnt really anything at all that stood out to me. You really need to work on and hone your descriptive writing techniques. Metaphors, Similie (even though I hate those), hyperbole, ect. There are so many great ways to insert imagery, and really, to pull in the reader completely you should have imagery because it makes the poem alot more engadging. With the topic you took there were soooooooooo many places were metaphors could have been worked in... And had they the piece would have been better.

Lastly, the structure. Hoooooooooooooooorrible structure. It's clearly just a free form poem but still, even free form should have atleast some sign of organization. Next time try to... Even up lines, just get then relitively the same length; try and break up your poem into seperate stanzas if possible (and it was here), pay attention to grammer and punctuation (spelling was fine, but add punctuation).

But ya, like I said... This piece really wasnt anything special. Im not even trying to hate or anything, but ya. No one is really be honest in breaking down your poem which in the end is only going to hurt you... Because there's no way for you to elevate if everyone just says what you've done is perfect when in truth there are lots of things you could do to improve. Stay up and keep writing man.

^nah it doesnt matter what kinda structure u have cali, its a poem, the poet can write w/e way he feels and it should still be recognised for what its worth. Dont just ry and even up the lines ALL the time, that makes for a boring read.

Ya, Im not saying that's what makes a poem you retard. I didnt even say they had to be the same length... I said relitively the same size. That just means not one that 3 words and one that's half a page length. Besides, even if he did make everything the same exact size, it still lacked to many other elements for it to be concidered 'dope'. The thing about the lines was just a side note, something I personally like. I broke down all its actual elements before. And evening wouldnt make it boring, it's just for apperance... You could just do line breaks and it would reed the same as it does abobe, just look better. Ex: (Original) 'I live
In a world where priests abuse children
Not in dark alleys
But in the same church of their lord
Where police murder our sons
And we’re raped of the culture we once had
Forced to modernize for our modern day oppressors'

(Modified)
'I live...
In a world where priests
abuse children not in dark alleys;
But the same church of their lord.
Where police murder our sons,
and we’re raped of the culture.
Forced to modernize
for our modern day oppressors.'

I dont know, it really has to just be written into the form... But ya, even that is alittle better in terms of apperance. But whatever, i'm done argueing.

good work on this one to keep up the wok u wil make it big some day its all reality and i see your poems are based on reality and what really happen in our world not just your world its all baed on the real world that everyone lives in these days keep up it up fuck those punk ass niggas talking shit peace :thumbup: :thumbup:

funny only bad shit i get is from a kid who ducked me twice now once here and once on rb.its not my fault your not good enough for c.s here or i.l.j on rb all i can say is elevate.as for the topic being done many times your a idiot for saying that.this is MY life!!this is our life!!this is what we know everyday.a love poem cannot become played out stupid neither can poems about the ghetto because the ghetto is life as is love.theres no such thing as a played topic or concept in poetry.in the words of GOD 'THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN'.now go die slow hater.anyways thanks for all the honest feedback from the others.

^ Waves to CALI...

Ps. Im feelin this whole "Where I Live" deal...

Its phresh!

Not good enough for C.S. yet Im in it, and not good enough for I.J.L even though they wanted me but I turned them down to be loyal to Po. And, you've yet to even respond to my poetry... It's far beyond anything I've seen from you here OR on Rb. You're seamingly the most overrated member I've come to see on any site I've been to. And, I never once ducked you... I just came to this site... And you WOULDNT battle here. You told me to go to Rb and battle, and I went there and Pm'ed you about a battle and have yet to recieve a conformation message. I wasn't even going to say anything abou that though, because by what I said above I'm honestly not trying to hate... I was just stating my opinion on the poem being as this is a Message Board. But since you want to be a fag and bring up errelevent points... YOU, are the one who ducked. Stupid homo.

^i never duck you idiot you never set the battle up on here or on rb like you were suppose to and the stats tell thaT homo

You're retarded... You told me you WOULD NOT battle on this site, and to set it up on Rb. So I Pm'ed you the rules I was thinking just to have them Ok'ed before I set it up, but you've still yet to respond to me accepting or declining what was purposed.

awe y ppl gotta hate....i thought dis to b a good read:)LUV da imagery CALI...good vocab, luv da structure as well....not much else to say....'cept good drop pa:)keep up da good work