|
Skies of lies
I dropped this on another site "411hype.com" I hope i dont get banned for telling you the site?
I'm sitting on the hospital bed with a dangerous disease bible sitting right next to me, hope another day, i'll breathe Everyday this disease is etching my life away, but i don't worry cause I'm getting old, but through life i've done good things I know my good soul will rest in peace, also heavenly As i sit back and watch the day go by, i'm ready to die I'm eager for my soul to reunite with my family up in the sky I save my tears to show in sympathy with my living family then i'll put them asisde, so i have more engery die happy Even though my brain will decintergrate i still cherish the memories Memories you ask? Then i will give you ONE of the best in my life I'll tell you my precious memories, before the lights no longer in my sight MEMORY# 1(reunited with my father) Born and raised in a foster care home with no one who cares about me Not even my own parents, that left me on a door step, when i was a baby Everyday i would sit in my bed, thinking and imagine, did they have any sorrow? I want to be free, with love by a person..but it will never happen, tears hit the pillow . . . One morning when i woke up...somthing was different and it felted strange My foster care mother called my name, when i'd opened my door i saw this man He was tall and black, lean and fit. He looked down at me, and held out his arms At the beginning, i was curious. Who is this man? Then i felt this stroke of alarm It wasn't danger, i looked at his face, he looked like...OMG...the adult version of me My eyes started to get watery and red, When i for the first time felt his skin i drop to my knees He holded me so tight, i started losing my breath, then he said somthing that so shocking Through his deep vocals, he said "my son". From that point. My life started changing . . . . . BEEP BEEP ahh here i come, to heaven, i took a deep breath close my eyes, show no tears, i dont cry to death Felt my eyes going daze, show a sad face? No i smile Showed no sad emotions, i stayed compile My lips getting cold, and the wheather is not even winter My head slowly turns...as i faded to death....i see dark linkers . . . . . What.? Where's heaven? All i saw was dark I'd screamed, with anger, it echoed so far no one heard my screams not even my own dad God! My soul was alone....there's no heaven nor god DAMN! So if the bible is a lie, and there's no heaven... With no one not my dad, my friends...skies of lies |
It Was A Quick Key Too Damn It !....................
|
deep shit....made me think a lil.......good word usage and vocab...didnt rhyme all the time but didnt need to.........nice drop
|
You should SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO drop this in open mics.
This is the dopes I've seen from you.It actually made me read it all. Made me think on some lines.Thanks for forcin me to read this :) |
yea hot shit cause. deep as hell. made me think i should talk to my dad again. vocab was on point. shit had me like damn. keep it up cuz. and btw, didnt know u did poetry
|
Good Piece Nice Vocab You Kept It A Little Basic At Some Points But Overall You Did Well On Thiss And Youre Heading Of Each Verse Wass Good...........
|
Yo Nice Piece Cozzin, Vocabulary Was Here, Alos Structure Emotion Weerd It's What It's All About Man, I Give This Piece A 9.8/10 Yo Return The Favor Up In My Sig
|
Uppin For Some More Feedbacks...........................
|
Uppin For Some More Feedbacks Like Dayum...............
|
i liek the stucture and the creativty, the words were worded well i liekd the imagery and the emotion was decent the flow was alright the syllable count coulda been better but its an ight verse keep it up i like it tho its tight great OM
RTF in my OM Once Upon A Time links in the sig |
wow very nice verse man well poem lol.. i really liked it.. i liked how u sed even wen my brain disinegratess.. you will still have the memories..thats nice.. but i liked the twist at the end.. very good.. the emotion on here was also very nice.. and i could really feel your imagery on here.. 8/10...
plz leave feedback on my poem The most dangerous disease |
^^ Will do mane..........thanx for the feedback.......i ain't going to stop uppin this until Fluid moon check this out.........
|
You should indeed drop it in OM but expand the last part bit then.
I LOVED the concept of this poem and how it progressed, with the flashback and everything. Emotion was so pure and strong, really felt what you were saying, very good aspect. Another remarkable thing for me was the scene you managed to portray inside my head. I could really see someone laying there, reminscing of the good old days and such...Just love how you put this all together, found a good balance in your vocab and your structure was good as well. I'm definately feeling this poem and enjoyed reading it! Good going man! Dopeness... DQ |
^^ Bitch.............j/p Thanx For The Feedback..............
|
^Don't talk shit man lolz...
Upping this for Mr. Featured poem Fluid!!!! |
| All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:10 PM. |