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mizz fyre vs. Sakim Aerias
Battles up Monday - Check In by Wednesday - Drop by Friday - Votes by Sunday No line limit and the battler with most votes by Sunday night is the winner. If this is a topical battle, write a topical and not a poetic drop and the same is vice a versa. All Battlers must vote on 4 other battles and leave their voting links in their battle thread. Battles voted on may be from either poetry or topical battles. Extensions must be asked for by Thursday night by pming any of the mods (Acuity, Drama Queen & Elementality). No extensions will be given 4 if asked 4 on Friday night. Extensions are only given till Sunday night at the most. Every battler must nominate (not their own) one topical and poetry battle for pieces of the week, in the main forum . People with pieces of the week shall have their drops stickied and placed in the Pieces Of Inspiration sub forum Topic: Behind Closed Doors |
I asked for a picture topic..........But its all goodie good.
Checking in. G-luck Mizz Fyre |
checkin in.......g'luck fam......
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I need an extension till saturday yo.....................1
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yeah i need an extension to please..............saturday wil be fine
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It's okay, as long as you drop of course!
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quick key....forgot all bout this lol
Her version Lying in my bed so fixated by the lights on the ceiling Daydreaming, my wounds sting, still far from healing Losing all feeling in my body, I clasp my hands tight Get up and open the curtains, giving the sun his invite Last night, was so battered and bruised, I couldn’t stand After raising his hand knew I was at his every command What did I do wrong? Questions run through my mind Answers I can’t find, our souls are no longer intertwined His version The corners become my safe base, to hide from her rage Like a teenager, I hold a diary with anger on every page So confused, hurting inside, still I find it hard to leave There’s no trust between us, what I say she don’t believe Behind closed doors, I witness the pain of her other side Sometimes I’m thinking heavens where I need to reside….. Now Arrested by cops, going insane, the place is so mundane So ashamed rather do time than say it was me feeling the pain……….. |
The fire burns through the wooden door I’m in point of the origin
Smoke clotting my lungs, I can’t breathe, trembling sweats by the arson I clench and tightly hold onto my teddy bear close to my dearly heart Crackling sounds of woods rings through my ears, the house it’s falling apart Walls equip with no emergency escape, there’s no window no air of life I look around, breathing so hard, all around me is hell, full of darkness no light I run to my favorite place, where I use to hide, from the pains and the monsters I closed the door, tightly lock it, then backed up in the darkness more father Kneel down to my knees, then I rock back and forth, with jittering teeth’s Then the images of the monsters comes back into my mind, the paint not yet free I see it, I see the leather, I see the metal, striking on my back attach by laughs Here is where I sit, to get away from the monster, so thy thee can’t grasp The floor should be wet, cause here where my tears come down always I wish I can go get out of the darkness, wish I can finally walk the hallways I can feel the stinginess on my back, the scars, like an tattoo it’s bloody marked I can feel the heat coming, it’s breathing, its walking ,it’s coming close to my heart That’s when I know it’s time to get ready the hits, the pain, then the sore ………………………………The knob turns and I see familiar feet’s on the floor BLAH!..........................key'd |
Aight, lemme break this down...
mizz fyre: you had a nice, creative approach of the topic and I really enjoy how you divided it into 2 parts, showing thoughts and emotions from man and woman, both sides of the story. Your imagery was excellent, you portrayed it as if it was a movie playing in front of my eyes. But your strongest aspect was the emotion, especially those last lines...the emotion just poured out! Flow was nice as well as vocab, solid drop gurl! artÃ-stica~Mente: I absolutely love your approach of the topic, speaks of much creativity. Strongest aspect of your verse must be the imagery without a doubt, I could perfectly imagine the scene. And you managed to combine it with such strong, raw emotion. This must be one of best drops I've read from you so far because it really kept the reader focussed. Had good vocab as well as flow, structure's cool. My vote goes to artÃ-stica~Mente, no hate mizz fyre! He just dropped fire, piece could've whooped a lot of topical writer asses lolz... |
word, uhh, artistic definately took this in all categories, imagery, vocab, creativity......both dropped good, but AM, just a little better...i think if mizz fyre woulda expanded a little more, woulda been better, cause that was a good idea, just needed more to work with i think.
AM, uhmm, one big suggestion, spell things correctly, lol....no offense, but it kinda takes away from the overall enjoyment when you rush things and dont look over, it might just be me, cause i dont like reading so many errors, sorry.....but just take a little more consideration.....other than that, good piece, nice approach, i thought some lines coulda been worded better, but i see that you key'd it, so its understandable.....you have talent, and it showed here, keep up to both v/AM |
v- AM
For just depth alone. This was a very nice piece AM, I enjoyed reading it. You flow was pretty near perfect, imagery was nice as well as your mixture of vocab. Keep it up bro. Mizz- Sorry fam, but he got ya here. If you had kept going you may have beaten him, but your verse just cut off too soon. Everything was ok, but nothing exceptional except maybe your take to the topic. Wish you hadn't keyed it :( |
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:laugh: Which words are being mis-spelled?....................Cayse I dont see em yo. |
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IT's not that ya mispellin everything, it's jus that sometimes u add an s where u shouldn't or use some words outta context I clench and tightly hold onto my teddy bear close to my dearly heart (dearly should be dear) Crackling sounds of woods rings through my ears, the house it’s falling apart (This should be "Crackling sound of wood rings" or "Crackling sounds of woods ring") assuming that your talking about wood as in floorboard planks, then you'd probably wanna go with the first one. I'm not gonna critique your whole piece, cuz I know people can get quite annoyed by that...your an amazing writer (That I wouldn't mind battling sometime) it's just that with a little more attention to detail, your drops would be flawless...hope you don't think I'm hatin, just wanna see a good writer become better...... |
^^ It's all good thanx man.......I appreciate hey there's only room for elevation right?
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lol yeh i know i shouldn't have keyed it......but it was better than no-showing lol........anywayz if am is down for a rematch.....i'm down too |
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