First Rap Diss... help please
 

i wrote a dis to all the wanna-bes out there. any advice or feedback on it?

Ok you 8 mile eminem fan wanna-be-MC's//
its time you see me then turn green-wid-envy//
at me, the L-A-B R-A-T MC with high dignity//
i kickin, splitin-and-shittin//
at yo chickens-with-mittens//
Drop a real verse, instead of posin//
because hip-hop-pop is your chosin//
you's are all shit and shat//
couldnt rhyme fat-cat-with-a-hat-sat-on-a-mat//
together in a line, the lesson is rap dont want teeny's in its youth//
so sit back down in kindy class and read up on your Dr. Zuess//
you teeny-boppa, no clue of big-poppa//
listen to this oz-hip-hoppa//
no cuss words in these dissin ties//
cause little skill requierd to make you french fries//
burned up, so shut up//
regroup and hug up//
i dont need to be a magical mystikal mage//
to call you up and embarress you on theatrical stage//
so sit behind you keyboard and write or type//
use your school friends for lines and at night-come-and-fight//
before you diss at the lab rat firstly check youself//
cause those rhymes weaker than an anarexic's health//

that was ok but to many weak lines in

That was anything but ok

One of the worst is when you rhyme ur name by spelling it::

Example.. Its the B to the A to the doube Z y//
Bla bla bla bla bla bla why//

Rhyming ur name like that is wack.....that explains a bit of snoop dogg too....the fucking idiot spells out his name.....fucking bullshit rapper he is

But it wasnt bad for ur first diss...
But still at any standards it wasnt ok

PZZ

P.S. Keep trying

it was ok

thanks... i keep workin at my lines

it all tooo simple

like you're kittens-with-mittens.

wtf is a kitten with mittens

and typing-like-this-does-not-make-your lines tighter.

it was ok... just keep elevating.. and try playing with your words more.. like... "kids confined to curses in they're verses, but when they're versus me."

see what i did with verses.. i flipped with and played with it..
just try to make a combination of just 2-3 words have 2 diffrent meanings.

i agree. simple but who givez a fuck. Hey u an auzzie to huh? mad shit. Gday howz it goin? where bouts in Australia u from?

yea, g pretty much hit da nail on da head, it was too generic, flip it out and switch words around and shit, make it more agressive and funny when battlin, check out rise's lesson, i think somebody else has a lesson 2