|
Blurred Vision
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2448828
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=207926 I’ve been left stranded, demanded and self-bandaged… Felt randomness encompass my damaged embodiment Wielded misplaced thoughts long forgotten in toxins… Forged rotten the begotten nonchalant tectonics’ move. However crude the subdued vision is it’s forsaken… Forever Mistaken as the correct path & traveled upon But I tread ahead in broken soles w/o a plan or scheme Weary & teary-eyed mortal with the corporate dream… I thought to make money was life’s key to happiness… For what seemed like generations I claimed domination Procrastination came at me happily tapping my canopy But I avoided the slapping and kept climbing frantically. Years went by but my happiness eluded grasping hands For what hand could understand what was really a man? I walked home on cramped sidewalks where folks talked I stopped near a beggar in fucked shoes with no socks… He looked at me, and I returned the gaze for an eternity… Time ticked by as the sun retired it’s crown to nights frown My suit suited me exclusively, a rich heathen not a man… Finally beaten I asked him a question : “Why do you smile?” Upon reflection what’s perfection? Money and nice clothes? Here’s this homeless man in bliss but with none of those… I can’t understand it & he answers : “I use to be like you.” Then he turned and walked back to a shack of old residues. Then morning reared it’s dew drops & spewed new plots Confused thoughts raced to control my skewed incisions Intimate intentions usually explained my rash decisions… & with his permission I fled the dread of my blurred vision. |
Drop some feedback and I WILL return the favor. Peace.
|
uppin.
stop sleepin |
Man, this was fucking incredible. People will rag on you for your rhyme scheme and structure, but i thought it was near flawless. I loved the way it flowed and the story was bold as hell man. I think you'd be a decent song writer if someday you made the transition to rock, you seem to have that kind of writer's edge. The vocab was great, multis were unreal throughout, not soo many that you'd lose your head over it and forget what your reading, but enough to go "ooooh". nice.
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=209299 |
^ Thanks for the feedback.
|
uppin the piece.
|
yea ur rhymes scheme is the only thing anyone can complain about btu his is probably hte best piece ive seen on rv in a long time ur vocab flow imagery i think ur the best toopical writer on the site personalls
|
Vocab was dope, emotion and creativity in your words was strong, fuck what willa said lol, I didnt find anythin wrong with the rhyme scheme, I thought it was top notch.
Flow was good too, Stayed on point and it was a good all round read, quit your day job an stick to creative writing like this, man....The peice was real sick, keep it up.. 8.5/10 |
ge-od..lmao
nice drop mentalz... flow was on point through out the whole peice....vocab was healthy...emotion was great....creativity was sick...rhyme scheme is ight...idk wat everyone else is talking about.. |
Thanks for the feeds, much appreciated. I'll be sure to leave some on all yor drops aswell. Thanks again.
|
shit waz dope ur "vocab" was aiight
|
"vocab" explain.
Lemme know what you think, dont make me decipher it. :p |
This is pretty fuckin good. Structure is good so i rhume scheme.Damn thats good multies use i read both ur drops in last ten minutes and damn u like drop that shit with multies, vocab is allrite for me. Some crazy shit, good writing.
|
Thanks man, I left some feed on your link.
|
yea real good joint here vocab was good, structure was on point, very creative, imagery was there also but 2 b honest wut did u do wit my piece i sent u in ya email ...on here holla at me
|
| All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:50 AM. |