What am I doing wrong
 

I think my verse is creative. Still people say this is weak or on the verge of weak what the fuck insnt weak to these people
Here is my verse vs B. rantis tell me what is wrong in detail please



This kids shook like a quake cause I know he can't stand this
B.rantis is new to RB.........but see you just prey like a mantis (praying matis)
Your a 19 year old newb alive now but about to be dead
This is new to me too, I don't normally battle Special ED
You got no referrals, yea really nobody would unless they was insane
Cause just the lines above shattered you like a window I bring the pain (window pain)
Im rippin veins an arteries you haven't even began to scratch the surface
You're just a freeloader on this sight uppin post counts your only purpose
I just ended this guys amazing 5 post career with 10 lines that I wrote
Shit I didn't even have to throw any punch lines cause this kids the joke

First off..Somethin quick, you can immediately go & use..
Dont explain your lines (like this) it messes your structure..
& ppl get it.. they can think..

im not really sure some times lol

Dont explain ya stuff at the end of a line
it fucks the flow up for readers............
Structure also gets fucked up
Ya punches were weak
Could use work.....
Read some vet battles
And really look at their flow, structure, and wordplay
You'll ge the concept

Look son ya need to take your time think up some more original and ahrder hitting punches, cause some of your lines were BASIC and not very original.
But this happens when you start on RB cause there rarely a line that hasn't been used yet.
As the other cats said don't explain punches at the end of yaline.
If you think they are that complicated put *'s at the end of the lines that you think need explaining. Each time a line needs explaining put anopther star on it eg.

Rip ya limb from limb till ya brain sting
Asked for battle, water pistols is what you bring*
Pathetic that he can't see my point
Till i put it in his eye when i ash my joint**
Blah,Blah,Blah,Bla
Blah, Blah,Blah,Blah***

* Explain punch
** Explain punch
***Explain punch

Though it is better to not do it at all. This method should only be used if you think the punch is complicated.
So work on your structure, makes your punches short and hard hitting, come up with some personals (check feeb;e minded tutorial ), you can come up with these by checking on past posts by this person.More original punches, will come as you elevate.
Work on flow by shortening your bars aswell.

As ILL said read some vets batles you will get the idea...
Hoped this help you PM me if you got any questions, or hit me up on AIM...
Bkast00

pce

Like everyone said...dont explain ya lines in ya verse

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx***

* -
** -
*** -

or something like

[ - Explanations - ]

Line 2 -
Line 6 -
Line 10 -

or you can

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

^^ (Explaination)

that will help wit ya flow and struct

now for ya punches....

Try to get some good personals in them.....

find out who hes loss too(although its gettin old), what crews hes in or has been in, you can play his name/custom title/sig etc, what threads hes made and openmics hes done, things hes said in chat threads, has he ever cheated...you get the picture

Dont use personals like:

I just ended this guys amazing 5 post career with 10 lines that I wrote
Shit I didn't even have to throw any punch lines cause this kids the joke

^ 5 posts wasnt that good because, well, i could make a name right now and only have 5 posts but still be good

Also work on ya rhyme scheme...if you can predict the word that its gonna rhyme wit its played

if ya need any more help hit me up on aim or pm me, aim - Potent Prospect