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Olson Twins To Star In "Mature" Movie
by Josh Righter

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson -- better known in the entertainment industry and to millions of preteen girls across America as simply the "Olson Twins" -- will soon make their debut in the more "mature" movie market, a move that has drawn both praise and controversy from both fans and others in Hollywood.

The gigantic popularity levels enjoyed by the twins are certainly no accident; first being recognized as the adorable Michelle on the long-running TV sitcom "Full House", the two have gone on to appear in almost twenty feature films, two other television shows -- one currently still producing new episodes and the other being shown in syndication -- books, video games, clothing, breakfast cereals, disease inoculations, and more.

However, the upcoming mature film they are starring in -- a movie entitled "Wild Riders" that details the misadventures of the girls as they traverse across the nation -- is a significant departure from their previous preteen oriented, optimistic, boy-crazy fare, something that former co-star Bob Saget sees as a "big mistake".

"They've found what they're good at, what makes them money, what brings in popularity," said Saget in an interview at his trailer in the back of a California dump, where he currently resides. "I'm not sure if this 'mature' movie thing is a good move, career-wise."

Saget then pleaded with our reporter to lend him money, and eventually had to be escorted away by police.

But John Stamos, another former costar of the twins, isn't concerned with the career of the girls, but rather the reaction of their fans to the new movie.

"They've got loads of preteen girls worshipping at their feet," he said. "What are those girls going to do if they get a load of the new movie? Are they going to emulate the twins' behaviour?"

Stamos added that his wife is "really hot".

Certainly, Stamos' point is viewed as valid by many parents across the nation; "Wild Riders", which received an "R" rating, is not intended for children, as demonstrated by an early press screening that the Enduring Vision was able to attend.

"Hey, you sexy bastard," Mary-Kate purrs lasciviously to a stranger in one scene of the movie. "Are we going to fuck, or are you going to be an asshole?"

"Die, motherfuckers!" screams Ashley in another scene, shooting several innocent people in the faces with a shotgun and sporting a shirt that reads, "Osama bin Laden Is Awesome".

In their defense, the twins said in a press conference that they "can't be held responsible" for what their fans choose to do, and that their new movie is a "natural" evolution of their careers.

"We can't, like, stay kids forever," Ashley said. "And to be honest, me and my sister are just kind of tired of doing movies where we travel to other continents, get into all kinds of trouble caused by our bubble-headed attitudes and complete lack of self-respect with regard to the opposite sex, cleverly devise a way to capture crime-ring leaders, and win the hearts of our objects of affection, who are almost as vacuous as we are."

But the twins' statements may not be enough to ease the concerns of parents of preteen Olson fans.

"I don't want my daughter wanting to emulate those girls now," said one Wisconsin mother firmly. "I wish they'd just go back to the days of vapid, shallow behaviour that undermines the intelligence and integrity of real role models and gives little girls a set of values dictated by the opinions of others and what clothing is currently trendy.

"Now that," added the mother, "is something my daughter can aspire to."