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Who are you again?
*Alarm clock goes on*
Ughh.. FUCK I turn if off, turn and stop to jot Before thoughts of a God is forgot and I can't stop, incessant thoughts of leaving my night dreams seem to pave the way of the evening but Inside i'm bleeding with a constant of fieneing just to avoid being the butt of the jokes for once ... ya feel me? Cuz.. First class is bummer, the girls make me feel dumber and they WOULD giggle at the amputee, but im funner ever since the summer, they went to the brawl Which wasn't really fair, basically me versus all worst of all? Is ya I got jumped by a few kids who kicked my head so many times they rendered it useless But the truth is NOBODY even called a Med, it's true so If i Saw you there, i'm gonna make sure your dead too Lunch is bad too cuz its always where I get unstable Cuz theres always a rad dude coming to kick me out of the table So Indeed I leave, and head to the bathroom with my food and If I can i'll sit on the can, and feel like one too But dude, all of those bullys don't have the power to pull it Cuz I'm deffenetly seeing all of them gettin showered wit bullets Second class goes fast, If I can go to sleep But sometimes it's hard when they're "Joshin the Geek" Yep the frosh, ME, cuz I don't let them cheat off my paper Even with threats about my dead mom sayin they'd rape her Cuz I'm a faker, and I'll never be cool just a loser and "dude, the bruisers will come by later to abuse ya" Like an anthem it plays, but my dreams make it fun inside cuz they can always predict the ones who will run and hide But recently I've been having nightmares, Which provide me a slight dare which might scare But hopefully it's a fright shared, I CAN change this Even if it means I got to do some DAMN strange shit Plan? Aranged it, let the pieces fall into their places Cuz I got my mind plagued with a buncha images of faces Filled with disgraces, I walk through the front door Little do all these people know... there gettin Whore'd Insane to the core, MY god knows i'm tired of this He looks like a great guy, even with the fire and shit It's time bitch, first class as I sit in the back Then in fact I stood up, and began blowing brains into halfs feel the wrath, The blood poured to the floor and of course I orgasmed several times cuz for me it's now DEATH I adore Swinged open the lunch room door, I found some more and I put the gun to a bully's head... ... and pulled it after he swore I'm bored, the lunch room was in a frantic hush While I was just FIEING on the adrenaline rush But at the scene I cussed, blue lights appeared outside and i'm not pissed cuz I know what I got to do, *sigh* The bullet entered my brain, and as my eyes fell tired I can finally feel sane, as I dwell in the hellfire You know I wouldn't lie, dude. So if you wanna ask "Who are you again?" ... check the channel 5 news |
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Good drop man, you played out a nice story
You painted a good picture man, I could see it gettin played out man and it reminded me of what it wouldve been like in colombine or somthin your flow was good, I feel like you could used bigger vocab but I know its hard when your writing point of view topicals so vocab ISN'T THAT BIG OF A DEAL. the only flaw somewhat was your ending, I felt it was kinda rushed and shorted and the flow was choppy at times if you fix that it could be a pretty good song, I feel like I write a lot like you and I wish I could meet you somehow to get to know you and shit cause I think we have the same style n its pretty chill overall it was very good and I look forward to reading more of your topicals my link: http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=249828 |
Ha you fucking topic beast how dare you drop something so good as this haha...
Danm kid I felt like the begining was pretty weak and was gonna be one of those regular average drop but danm was I fool'd serious this was a perfect movie playing in my head as I read it line for line good description from start to finish love the twist in the story felt like this wasn't complex now well above average either but why do you need those thing when u don't need them because u just prove u don't need hella vocab to grasp the reader attention and feel like this is a hella read I. Mean this probley one or the best deep topic open mic read I've read so far congrats u def a beast with topicals... 10/10 loved the whole thing.... And the topic wasn't creative nor complex yet u came hard like it was... My only question is how long did it take u to write this honestly??? |
yeah it wasnt a bad drop. simple storyline. nothing to complex about it. emotion was felt though. i wont critique it too much, just try to amp up ya imagery a bit.
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Quote:
Around a solid half hour. |
Nice piece here........
I liked the way you started and finished, jus coulda spent abit more time in the middle.Made it seem rushed in the end to be honest. It was a nice read tho dude, easy to read and picture painted fine... It's a different topic u chose here, only fault is there was alittle bit more description of how he lost the plot i think.... Flow was coo. 8/10 good drop fella. |
this was a nice drop story was nice only thing i felt was you opened weak for like 5 barz alot of people would of stopped but im glad i keep reading this was good structure was nice rymes were decent stroy was not intense but well pictured good drop fam not gonna rate it cuz thats nnot how i do but nice drop keep doin ya thang
return the feed on any of the tracks i just posted from my myspace |
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Seemed like you were getting some frustraitions out in this piece man. I dug the topic, although some would jump on the 'columbine band wagon' and say this was in bad taste, i just think a topical is a topical and should be judged on its own merit. You conveyed your narrators emotions clearly throughout and your rhyme scheme was on point for the most part. I reckon your use of vocab could've been a little stronger but that wasn't a major issue. You kept me reading til the end, good work for a piece of this length.
keep posting, cheers for the rep. |
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