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Now I lay me down 2 sleep.....
Now I lay me down 2 Sleep... *Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep..... And if I die before I wake....I pray the lord my soul to take...* Can't sleep at night...I'm tossin and turnin Got these demons in my life and I'm tryin to burn 'em Its like, they always keeping me awake at night Always talking to my God trying to get my life right Moms and dad always kept my mind in da church Teaching me right from wrong to keep my feet out da dirt My mind stays corrupted by the afflictions of this world Going to being a woman from being daddy's little girl Looking back on my life and clearing my faults Impurities of my life gotta come to a hault I'm just scared to fail but guess only time will tell Will I end up on the street or in a lonely cell On this blurry path that leads to heaven or hell One month of school left shit yeah its count down time Wondering when I get out will i still use my mind Or will i end up selling to get out a whole Or being in a fucking strip club poppin on a pole Don't want to end up at home with no place to go A couch potatoe thats always asking my parents for doe I'm stuck on wondering what my fait will be These thoughts are all I have until I fall asleep.... |
Some real ass shit, and fairly well executed. I always like the vibe of these kind of pieces. You could use some improvement though. You pretty much just made straitfoward statements and some weak similies/metaphors throughout the piece. You should try to incorporate more poetic language (complex metaphors/similies/imagery/etc), it really adds that extra spark to your writing. Your rhyme scheme could be improved, you did make a concious effort to occasionally rhyme more than one syllable at a time, but you should do it more often. One rhyme sound at the end of a line can make a verse tiresome to read or even listen to. Your flow was smooth though. Overall, solid verse. Return the favor?
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=227503 |
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ok, this wasnt that bad. but i think u could have done a lil better with the wording. anyways, u can throw a lot more multies in there to improve flow and structure and shit.
it was a lil plain with no internal rhyming, but it was still ok... if u could put some multies in there and internal rhyming this would be a lot better piece. good looking out chick. word up, keep it flowing. |
thanks boo......... :thumbup:
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you did do a good piece. it wasn't as well executed as it could have been but you definately had my attention enough to read the whole piece. most pieces on rv don't even have that. the flow was good and the idea was ok. the vocab could rise a bit. nice job overall tho. rtf in my topical "til death do us apart"
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Thanks sweet heart.....i'll be there.... :thumbup: |
this was a pretty decent piece, but to be honest there is quite a bit of room for improvement in this piece though...as jae keeps said already you could have use more poetic devices (metas,similies,imagery etc.) you also could have upped your vocab and all together that would have made this piece seem more complex...you conveyed your thoughts in this ok though....
if you do the things that we've all told you to help with your writin you'll be good to go ~peace~ |
ay man. theres a lack of talk of god in lots of rap songs. Im not the most religiouse but people in aword shows winning for songs called let me fuck u from behind always thank god for the rewards but dont mention him through hardships of making it. plus ur verse had a lot of true emotions that explain ur intent for the verse. nice piece of work but Im not sure if it was the way I was reading it but by the 3rd or 4th lines....it stretched out a lil. still a good verse though...just wit very minor tweaks...7/10
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thanks sweety..... |
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