If you gots time...
 

Id appreciate if you gave me some feed back from this verse i thought up, kinda my first real verse, not really a subject just flipped a few concepts.. Kinda from a 'fighty' and 'choppy' sort of style, the punch's are there... ive explained next to it.... all thought i don't ussualy.

I aint'a rip this. Ima rap BITCH ~ (WRAP)
-........ make like a WOMENISOR at christmas!
Im distant with this shit, spittin rhymes so ILL
- i give AIDS to a DEAF bitch!
And grab the lines of her death bed and rip it
Like rip-less.......Lemme flip this,

*CHANGED*

I aint walk in the room i'd rather blow that shit up
Hit and run on a slut - go home and jump in my truck
Dam-em!.....N ride untill fuck that bitch up!!
Spit till eternatys up, or you internally BLEEDING......
- like you SWALLOWED a CUT!!!!!!!
Slammin it shut, im double, double you dawg i aint even call you the mut
Im on a FULL TANK bitch... aint even busted a NUT. ~~

~ - rap as in wrap - wrap a women up at christmas
~~ - full tank as in cars n engines and that shit not even busting nuts.

Wack.......?

Any help?

sounds to me like you just like to rap things without making any
sense wutsoever. but believe me, there is nothing wrong with that
becuz honestly thats how i think all rappers/poets begin. they just
get the feel of the words. until they start to catch hold of the meaning.
thats when we all meet our lyrical peak. you'l get there sooner or later
if you just keep writing. remember, practice makes perfect.

keep it real. keep rhyming.

pz

that sums it up, you should go read other open mics to get a sense of how their written, and since this is a battle oriented go check front lines and such.. you can check my open mic for example..
its called I Bought Her A Vibrator Today

Ok, but its not supposed to have meaning, its more of a verse for audio, no real meaning to the whole thing, but just funny concepts being spread out, there also a 'battle' kind of lines, its open mic, i was just putting up some concepts i thought up, but in all honesty, i still can't see which parts are wack, other then the subject.. bear in mind this is more audio oreintated.

I understand what you mean, but im trying to get feed back on my structure or word play or concepts, not the subject, the topic and subject isn't there because i want people to give me feedback on the text alone, and the direction im coming from is more like a verse on a song about fights,

I felt this made good sense and would be on point for that kind of thing

I aint a rip this, im a rap bitch ~
And make like a womenisor at christmas
Im distant, with this shit, spit rhymes so ill
- i give aids to a deaf bitch!
And grab the lines of her death bed
and rip it.... rip-less.......

Sort of where im coming from is style simular to a d12 song or something - not biting or copieing, but in that kind of mind frame, But ofcourse, thanks alot for your feed back. But if your reading this, id appreciate it if you gave me feed back from a say ''extra verse of fight music kind o veiw'' if you understand what i mean, bare in mind i just wanted to know how my text was
as in...word play, flow and concept.. etc

wat happens when u........... "rip it ripl-ess" ??

Like, rip the lines on her deathbed - as in life support machine, then like rip-less as a nice end to the bar, sort of something to end this whole concept of ripping things....
What you think of it all?

UPPIN!

Did you understand the punch's or wordplay....? - ive edited it so that you can get a different look at it..........


~wW~

Damn yo i dont know what to say it was aight........
heres some advise dont make it so confusing,
try to put urself in another persons shoes and read it,
and try to use londer sentences add some words on, for example when you said
"Im distant with this shit" you could have said "im distant DEATH RIPPIN with dis shit"
and when you said "Hit and run on a slut" you could have said "I BUST A NUT LIKE A hit and run on a slut"
so just try to add more words onto the sentences then you will have it on lock!

aight if you could hit me back honestly at "To whome it may concern"

yeh i thought it was original, with some difficult reading for the dislectives but yeh laughed at ya reply WW,, i give it too you,, "the riping concept"!!!