Proud
 

Four half cigarettes in an ash tray,
Another two lay on the floor.
The TV is blue and illuminated,
In a house many men can't afford.

A man who did well at his job,
'Cause he worked for it all of his life.
Spends his days inside of his office,
And goes home to no kids or a wife.

Tried so hard to make everyone proud,
And forgot about all of his dreams.
Now he's living the life they all wanted for him,
But he's voiceless with a head full of screams.

Ironically drank Southern Comfort,
In his chair wearing Sunday's bests.
There's a voice in his lap that spoke for him,
All the words he couldn't get off his chest.

take out the a before wife in the second verse,
your need to rhyme perfectly with dreams was the downfall in the third verse. You could have worked with that, head full of screams is just bleh.

Bests? I take it you mean dressed as nice as could be on a given sunday? I don't know if that means it should give off a Religious vibe or nothing at all, I'm sure as a writer you would have given more hints if this were Religious so I'll just pass that off.

Ending line was good and almost turned this soppy piece of poem into a story thus topical.

drop a link and I'll keep it open for u.

^^yerr i agree the poetry feel was heavy in this, that illuminated line didnt really fit for me in the imagery department, a litte to broad, while the next line makes it seem like hes rich which woud suggest he should have it good,the rest is like no hes a loser or his familys left him and hes at home getting drunk reading the bible? is this dude ready to kill himself, im tryin to equate a messge with the title "Proud" so this is what i got hes to proud to admitt his mistakes and ask his family for forgiveness, if im wrong enlighten me, mos def made me think..

this is smooth bro. Imagery is what stood out in this, vocab could of been extended a bit, (aswell as the length of the peice)

Tried so hard to make everyone proud,
And forgot about all of his dreams.
Now he's living the life they all wanted for him,
But he's voiceless with a head full of screams.

This is decent. ^

The peice isnt highly original, but blah, its a good read.

I Agree Totaly.

first half decent thing ive seen here in a while.. i liked it but dont get the ending

"a voice in his lap that spoke for him"?