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VIRTUE vs A.K.A.
Battle Rules:
20 No Crew Votes No Recycling No Biting verses due 35 mins after check in topic is........your mom just died. Minimum posts to vote: 20 Check in by: 08-11-04 at 12:08 AM Must drop verse in 35 minutes after check in. |
VIRTUE has ACCEPTED this battle on 08-10-04 11:39 PM.
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check .................................................. .........
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check in but what you mean by your mom just die???
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A.K.A. has ACCEPTED this battle on 08-10-04 11:46 PM.
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i neva knew tonight would be tha last time i would hug her cause you can neva match tha pain when you lose ya mother as she drove off to the store i watched tha car fade outta sight i had a feelin she wouldnt be back.........it was raining that night she was exactly 1 mile from tha store when anutha car crashed she swirved and found her head gashed all over tha dash tha car was totaled the nightmares of tha accident im reframen em at tha scene of tha accident on tha dash is your mothers crainium they took her to tha hospital she's labeled under serious condition my mothers body is so mangeld a arm from her body is missin 15 years later i will still never forget that fatefull day when my mother died like a new form of bonnie an clyde she took her last ride she told me she would be rite back.................she lied open casket griveing over her decest body i couldnt cry shed to many tears my pupil was dryed out.........fried now i'm alot older ive even got a family that i love i hope she's happy wit god...................up above |
i woke up around 10 and checked the rooms it looks like momma ain't home//
i get ready to relax for a day alone when i hear the phone// that ma was in the hosiptol and she didn't make it// i hung up the phone think that it was just bullshit// i won't believe it how could this shit be true// she did everything for me so what am i gonna do// i crying on the floor trying to do some thinking// under age but my life is so fuck up i just start drinking// remembering that people say look at the good times// but with hate in my eyes i'm just thinking about the crimes// that i am about to do to whoever made it so i won't see mama// i got closest full of guns i'm ready for drama// i'm about to call the chief and see how it happen// this ain't the first time that i had to get ta clappen// i'm so upset that my hands is shacking// the truth is sinking in and my heart is breaking// my mama was young so god you fuck up on the one you were taking// but i know mama wouldn't want me to do that to anyone// but i'm so mad and sad that i pull out a gun// don't worry about it mama your about to see your son// |
Voted For: VIRTUE
err... this battle wasent the most captivating.. general statement: neither one of you really was focus on how the sylables matched up.. and the rhyme scheme was elementry or not exciting.. aka:yours didnt really have any imagery.. it was jus tlike "my mom died so i cried" type thing.. work on the creativity.. virtue: wtf is that 15 years later shit lmao.. if your gonna do that.. the imagery needs to be very good.. you had an ok flow going... the orgininality wasent theere.. and the story line wasent.. but you pulled it out.. virtue had a better vocab and flow. and thats what ima base it on... keep practicin ya topicals.. vote : Virtue... ps: virtue iv seen much much much better from you.. get backon point..havent seen ne thing from you a.k.a |
Voted For: VIRTUE
Virtue took this easy... way better vocab and plot.. aka yours was really sort of... generic... ya know? It was exactly what youd expect.. Virts had a unique-ish plotline... nothin wrong with flow.. aka yours was kinda choppy... one Vote disqualified for inadequate feedback. Please see this thread if you need help on what qualifies as an acceptable explanation. |
ok ok i like the feed back i'm new at the topical so i'm still learning what people what in topical. i think i understand what i did wrong. thanks and uppin
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Voted For: A.K.A.
VIRTUE structure is good.. flow fell off a little.. you had one multi.. the topic was ass, but u didnt do a very good job drawin it out.. you never even said the mom had died until the 15 years later part.. imagery wasnt very good.. not very much emotion at all.. and no twists make it more enjoyable.. A.K.A. dont put the /s at the end of ur lines.. structure is alright.. flow falls off a little.. u had one multi.. topic is still ass, but u took about in a pretty predictable way.. until the end.. that was a good twist and a good way to end it.. there wasnt very much imagery at all.. there was some emotion, especially at the end.. Overall VIRTUE had the better structure.. both had one multi.. neither had very good imagery.. A.K.A. did a better job drawin the topic out, and he had more emotion.. so basing off of that.. A.K.A. gets my vote for a better verse. |
uppin
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uppin .............................................
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Voted For: VIRTUE
ok I gotta go with virtue.....his verse was more insightful and in depth..... he had way better flow then aka whos lines were all over the place...and if theres one thing I hate its bad structer..... virtue also had a better rhyme scheme than aka....again messed up by structer......OH and I dont like that 2 bar thing at the end of each line....its just herbish...... so my vote is for......... v/virtue |
Didnt like the topic but oh well...
VIRTUE: flow was nice, vocab was ok but it lacked emotion, if your mom died i think it could use lil more emotion than this...the 15 years later part kinda killed it for me, i didnt like that stuff, your structure was better tho cuz A.K.A had the / at the end of his line which annoyed me but i missed creativity and imagery... A.K.A.: the / annoyed me real bad, your emotion was better,vocab was good, flow was decent...liked your last line.Creativity could've been better but it was ok. Both weren't real real good but if i gotta go with one, i chose A.K.A (despite the /), the 15 year later part from VIRTUE just killed it... |
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