CBL: "I should have been"
 

"I should have been"

The story of A famous widow retold and
with another outcome.

Woman is sobbing; crying her heart out.
Remembering all sins she had once commited against her now
late husband. Remembering all the great times they shared.
Alone and shivering in her bathroom tub.




Why!!??...
Please tell me why God did this have to happen to me?
Lavishly a nation at our feet we were lacking to see
& I was shagging a fleet, but horrible rumors infest
Truth be told...
...was a sudden pain in my chest, when they ingressed
My actions depicted as evil and I regret my vengenance
Repentance? I put my conscience through death sentence
How foolish I was. . .to justify my actions through hate
Just as soon as he died . . . bitch forfilled her own fate
I rather been mistreated on instead of been cheated on
Beated on, self worth I feel it cursed of sons to be John
Led many to graves but praised he was so cunning & brave
I was a slave to my jealousy cuz he was the newest rage
Remembering the times...when "it was so hard to get her"
For worse or better...
..I never thought I would ever write a "dear john letter"

*Water turns deep red*

Dear John oh I wish with all my soul for Divine Remedy
Sorry children...
...I can't bare being Ms. instead of being Mrs. Kenedy

nice.....^

"I rather been mistreated on instead of been cheated on
Beated on, self worth I feel it cursed of sons to be John"

I really dig this line right here.... this a nice piece I want to hear the audio post it in the crew thread.

nice..it's nice to see you drop...this had a good content..good scheme..peace..

..Well.
A good read, a good little read one would say.
I'dve glady seen this piece being a paragraph orso longer.
Good writing..& a nice piece in every aspect.
Once again, i apologize for this short feedback, but like said im quite busy.

upp you homos

ill...in all aspects...concept was definitely ill...
favorite lines...

My actions depicted as evil and I regret my vengenance
Repentance? I put my conscience through death sentence

"Remembering the times...when "it was so hard to get her"
For worse or better...
..I never thought I would ever write a "dear john letter"

"Dear John oh I wish with all my soul for Divine Remedy
Sorry children...
...I can't bare being Ms. instead of being Mrs. Kenedy"

It was a good flow, the overall theme of the piece, I wasn't feelin to much but I see were your head is, its a nice piece cuz, good shit..

thanks for feed

more feed peoples:)

--[Flow]---
Flow was aight, but i felt that it was maybe a little to simplistic in places like it needed to be expanded ya know, but it flowed well & the structure was dope.

"My actions depicted as evil and I regret my vengenance
Repentance? I put my conscience through death sentence" - thought that was nice.

--[Vocab]--
Liked the vocab, you used a well balenced dosage. Felt in some places that it could have been more complex only goin' by what i'd consider your normal standards, ya know...but on a whole it was dope.

--[Concept]--
Original, you executed it well, a nice "short story", you really brought us into the womens reality & made us experiance her feelin's & emotions. Started off sorta teary n' vulnerable n' turned to anger towards the end...ending was nice too..

--[Overall]--
Thought it was a well constructed short piece...flow was dope but i felt that it was a little simplistic at times, only compared to what i've seen you do before, but the emotion was there...3/5.



If you have time:Behind the Words

alright, lets break this down..

Why!!??...
Please tell me why God did this have to happen to me?
Lavishly a nation at our feet we were lacking to see
good opener it got me interested in the topic and wanting to read on..
& I was shagging a fleet, but horrible rumors infest
Truth be told...
...was a sudden pain in my chest, when they ingressed
shagging a fleet? i didn't really understand that part.. but the 2nd line made up for that..
My actions depicted as evil and I regret my vengenance
Repentance? I put my conscience through death sentence
you could of reworded the second line a bit better to make it more significant because it would of been better because this seems like a turning point
How foolish I was. . .to justify my actions through hate
Just as soon as he died . . . bitch forfilled her own fate
this needed to be reworded the 2nd line was missing a few lines to make this a real good bar..
I rather been mistreated on instead of been cheated on
Beated on, self worth I feel it cursed of sons to be John
best line in the whole piece, really caught my eye, very simple vocab but it flowed really well
Led many to graves but praised he was so cunning & brave
I was a slave to my jealousy cuz he was the newest rage
flowed really well another really good line, its starting to pick up here..
Remembering the times...when "it was so hard to get her"
For worse or better...
..I never thought I would ever write a "dear john letter"
For worse or better? it just sounds awkward, should of been for better or worse, but we still got the point
*Water turns deep red*

Dear John oh I wish with all my soul for Divine Remedy
Sorry children...
...I can't bare being Ms. instead of being Mrs. Kenedy
it was an alright ending, if you would of reworded the 2nd line better it would of been alot better.. For Example
Sorry children...
...I can no longer strive as Ms. instead of being Mrs. Kennedy..

Overall
This piece was really, good it got better near the end, some of the lines could of been reworded alot better to make it a better piece. Also I dislike how you went for structure instead of wording, that may win battles but in Topicals structure should be sacrificed for the strength of the perfect line. Overall it was a good piece a little rewording here and placing of different words there, and this could of been alot better. I feel you have the ability to drop a real dope open mic, but you just need to work on a few bugs.

i liked this piece, really felt the emotion.
vocab was good, told a nice little story,
little on the short side, but sometimes that for the best.
flow was decent but it did feel like you worded it to fit a nice structure,
look at some of the dopest topical heads,
the structure is not the most important part of the piece,
much more important is content, emotion, wording,
overall nice drop, keep em commin :)

i recorded this...so thats why the structure is kinda even
the syllable counts are consistent so i guess that is what
did it

Why!!??...
Please tell me why God did this have to happen to me?
Lavishly a nation at our feet we were lacking to see
already starts off with good, true emotion..nice
& I was shagging a fleet, but horrible rumors infest
Truth be told...
...was a sudden pain in my chest, when they ingressed
nice use of internals, very good vocab
My actions depicted as evil and I regret my vengenance
Repentance? I put my conscience through death sentence
best line so far....let's see if you can top it
How foolish I was. . .to justify my actions through hate
Just as soon as he died . . . bitch forfilled her own fate
vivid imagery on this one...i can actually picture her
I rather been mistreated on instead of been cheated on
Beated on, self worth I feel it cursed of sons to be John
killin it with the multis again....
Led many to graves but praised he was so cunning & brave
I was a slave to my jealousy cuz he was the newest rage
Remembering the times...when "it was so hard to get her"
For worse or better...
..I never thought I would ever write a "dear john letter"
the last four lines of this verse was some of the truest shit i have ever read on RB...this piece was raw as fuck...seems like you poured your heart out into this one...i felt what you felt or the person you speak of felt...
don't even have to say this but nice job Emerge..not just cuz your my homie but b/c this piece is real, about real life and you captured it....peace.*Water turns deep red*

sorry, it was brought to my attention by mr. emerge here that i didn't reply about the last two lines so here it goes...the closing two lines summed up the piece in it's entirety, ended on the same emotional note that it startd which is what i like to see...never lost it's flava from the beginning to the end....kinda sad piece bro but i can honestly say that i really enjoyed reading it...heartfelt..