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The Realist vs. Thrust: topical
topic: Hidden Undeneath
max lines, yall decide.. and agree... verses due: friday read rules thread. |
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Hidden Underneath
Why should I suffer a consequence for my actions? With a proper reaction, the beliefs won’t be fractioned Felt this way from the dawn of the day she phrased A response to my call, her voice remained engraved To please her I would cut all the flesh, first a shave... Her present affection was an athlete of high caliber Her joyous laugher showed he was always after her Had a flash of inspiration to black list his credentials Sequential steps unfolded by proper use of a pencil I could break her heart with a sharp well forged feat So intricately unique, no one can identify me the cheat I even chimed a greeting from the socially weak tree I spent weeks being savage, time to establish step three... Caught her alone, qualms withhold to start my walk Palms are drenched, dry then start the ascend to talk First I start be commenting on her attire and her plans She understands where I stand, declines cause of a man My tears unfold, my mask is shattered, I begin to speak Everything is told, my soul is battered when her eyes see... What’s Hidden Underneath |
Outskirts of my body show a glimpse of false and fiction
Revealing hints of tendernous and trustworthy visions My intentions of my appearance mislead trespassers I vary my pressence from being hard to an innocent bystander Outside i'm kind, tender at heart and complimentary of others When deep inside fatal intentions come from under cover But hold back what i wish to provoke to anounce abruptly But the cruelness is ceased to a mass of self-deficiancy I let down myself, I can't speak what needs to be spoken & if i do let it out, Peers are astonished w/ their hearts broken Half way up... Nope i'm chokin, Can't even vomit it out You need limbs a yard long to capture harmful things in this dark cloud Referring to that statment, I'm hazzy tinted and full of precipitation & look among the others... but hault before i release frustration Adding up, Accumulating to a dizasterous outcome to burst Swirrling winds hurl with thirst to humiliate the whole earth But what's worse, Words can't express how i endure pain I'm sure that's the reason i've continously held in the strain So today's the day, My actions are what's revealing When a train's whistles sounding...It's my body it's healing *tonado comes and swipes all the fuckin bitches* |
umm votes?
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^damn you.. i forgot this was ur alias and got excited thinking some1 voted...lol
nice drop... let's see what the voters say... if there is any!!!!!1 |
Token - I felt your verse needed more depth to it. Not a bad story overall. Could have used a bit more imagery/creativity. Flow was on point most of the time, with a slight wander here or there. Don't think this critique is harsh, I'm mainly pointing out the flaws without comments on the positive. It wasn't a bad verse by any means.
Thrust - You put too much stock into vocabulary. Flow was fairly choppy. Imagery was all over the place...meaning you had a lot of it, but it threw you around. Your lines didn't seem to connect as a piece. It seemed like this section went here...and then this next section went together, but the piece itself didn't seem like it all had the same focal point. I think you tried to put some depth in this piece, but I didn't feel like you fully achieved your goal. Sorry bud, just wasn't feelin this at all. I'm sure it wasn't a bad verse, it just didn't appeal to me. Vote ~ TR |
closed, realliest wins.
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umm im not token
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Does it matter?
Oops? |
What I think...
Quote:
This shit is deep stay up and keep rappin U da shit |
lol^
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good verse Thrust....i honestly thought you took it
but 1 vote is all we have to judge |
^ I Agree......But Feeble Forgot To Close This So Im Not Sure If I Should Vote....But I Will Anyway....
The Realist - Youve Come A Long Way From How You Used To Do Your Shit.....Sur. Taught You Well.....But...On To The Verse....You Had Nice Concepts And A Good Storyline To It.....But You Seemed To Lack Emotion....You Also Swayed Back And Forth From The Subject....I Guess Because You Broke Your Verse Up....You Had Nice Vocab And A Good Flow None The Less......Overall: 8/10 Thrust - I Agree With Leth. On The Chopiness.....But Once I Stuck To The Story And Really Started To Read It Better You Had A Nice Scheme And You Stuck To The Topic A Majority Of The Time....And Your Closer Was A Bit Better Than TR's...You Showed Plenty Of Emotion...And You Had Nice Imagery And Good Vocab.....Like I Said Before Your Flow Was A Bit Off...But Its All In The Reader When It Comes To Text....Overall: 8.5/10 Vote - Thrust |
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