|
Billy Baghdad vs Poetic Artist
Battle Rules:
20-100 Lines No Crew Votes No Recycling No Biting Just simply battle me and shut the fuck up kid. Topic as chosen by nieja- Devils on her mind Minimum posts to vote: 500 Check in by: 04-11-06 at 04:38 AM Must drop verse in 2880 minutes after check in. |
Billy Baghdad has ACCEPTED this battle on 04-11-06 03:11 AM.
|
Poetic Artist has ACCEPTED this battle on 04-11-06 03:20 AM.
|
werd!........................lets do it! :thumbup:
|
meh, might key my verse after I get drunk with my bros.
|
*editors notes: Please when reading this take note of the rhyme scheme used in the first 2 diary entrys. Aswell as the signifigance to the titles. In Who am I , she starts to loose sanity and go on about things that dont make much sense, take note when you vote.
-Poetic Artist- Devils on her mind
 Dear Diary Opening Thoughts You commaned and I listened, Placed my soul in your hands I was stranded and missing, I tasted your goal and you ran slit wrist's and drunk my own blood, why didnt you not drink aswell? Im a misfit appreciatting your love, but I think your from hell your eyes they show pictures of hate, fire and despair the lies?I wish you would wait, not choke me with this wire of fear bleed the pain of god, each time you touch my heart You seem the same but odd, a priest mind is sold from start fate is rare and stalking, but you seem to of froze his look wait!! I can hear you walking, I better close this book. Dear Diary Who am I? Residing here in this empty room, my pen and diary im hyding near mums freindly womb,reality seems so firey wish you could reply, instead I speak to my thoughts you kiss me from the sky, Im dead and this lifes distraught prospecting your goals, forced me to be your prodige'e im not testing souls, applaused me but please just go away Times in slow motion, and the bullets heading straight for my brain my minds had your potion, death will come if i wait and remain Dear Diary Lifes prevail vivid dream of tomorrow,but thats proberly just the end of time Knees putting holes in the floor as I pray to god's mind he's obviously cut his ears off cause he refused to hear me speak I tried to slice my wrist, but devils even made the knife to weak tormenting chants fill the air while an ery silence fills my mind tryna visualize my future yet regret whats been left behind small glimps thru a window allows the sight of smoldering rain I strongly carry myself on my back to shoulder the pain with the shakiest steps I move thru the halls arradiatted voice Malfunctioning words,separating thoughts,my mind has eliminated choice Information pending, I search for the property of the devil eyes burn with agony, I just want answers to reveal as I flip the wallet, it all comes signifigantly true I read my name on his ID, do you know the feeling when the devil is you? |
“Josie, the burden ” . . . Closed eyes, dark image, shady reflection in mist Indiscretions from imperfect regrets in the mix Dangerous demons lead to deranged distinctions And dominate the duty derived from childcare to discretion A baby raised by a postpartum stuck in a daze A vague memory of many men lost in a haze She welcomed them into her bed with out a word to be said Slurs of curses in anger emerge in her head The day of the test brought pain and unrest This test, not for school or sport but for a pregnancy check . . . . . Now a child lost and lonely, receives the love of a phony Someone who hates this life, and her own daughter named Josie A slaughter, a murder, these are the thoughts that she ponders And wonders, the idea, it just dawned her Could I do it, abuse this little bundle of joy Should I choke her, break her neck, make her swallow a toy Or toss her on a slate and puraid her little ass with a blade Spray mace in her face until she can’t breathe and she fades I shouldn’t do it! I wont! but I could! cause I can! Homicidal arguments with herself in a trance Screams from the kid, having dreams in the crib Mother drinking and she seams to just flip Grabs the bottle and breaks it, this crazy lady cant take it .......No! she didn’t kill josie....... She put the glass on her own skin and she scraped it Bleeding and sufferin’… and her blood its just gushin’ Disgustin’ but shes lovin the feeling of nothin’ A numbness she’s trustin’ cause it keeps the demons from fussin’ Now its calm, quiet, the sound collectively drawn And she looks down in awe as she sees she used her own arm as a pawn . . . . . Now she talks to doctors on visits and takes pills cause they fix it Has a nurse as a witness, cause of those social services bitches This problem she’s had since the day josie was born Has scorned her life as its torn, ripped, and shredded from form She’s adjusted to this troublesome, spiritual justice This damnation it’s crushing and she’s trapped in its clutches So the days as they drain and the nights as it rains So does her pain, the pills cant fix that, they just keep her sustained Now she’s out, and Calls her doctor so she could page him for help Mentally she needed them, so she could maintain in her health .......Later that night....... Takes one last look at her baby and she hangs her self . . . .....Damn..... |
This was feedback posted for Billy Baghdad
im cool with both so i wont vote but i think babz got this both were pretty good though i ve seen better from both of you
|
uppin............................................. ................
|
This was feedback posted for Poetic Artist
Yerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..............................
|
Voted For: Billy Baghdad
Ima say u won this man you kinda wrote this like poetry and not jus a flow like poetic. ur best lines were: Closed eyes, dark image, shady reflection in mist Indiscretions from imperfect regrets in the mix Dangerous demons lead to deranged distinctions And dominate the duty derived from childcare to discretion A baby raised by a postpartum stuck in a daze A vague memory of many men lost in a haze and poetics: You commaned and I listened, Placed my soul in your hands I was stranded and missing, I tasted your goal and you ran slit wrist's and drunk my own blood, why didnt you not drink aswell? Im a misfit appreciatting your love, but I think your from hell your eyes they show pictures of hate, fire and despair the lies?I wish you would wait, not choke me with this wire of fear bleed the pain of god, each time you touch my heart You seem the same but odd, a priest mind is sold from start so yea as u can see poetics was more of a flow but it was a VERY close battle indeed. |
This was feedback posted for Poetic Artist
Fuck-Ok, long lines-short them. This was a good Piece, I loved the vivid Imaginary. You stayed constent, never went curvy with the Topic. The emotion was good, felt you could've done more with the emotion by putting more metaphors and simlies between the Lines or by putting more adverbs. Creativity, I'll give you in addition to the Twist at the end. Again, this was a good piece, but I think you should've approached it more creative way, and In my opinion could've done alot more. It seemed to me you wasn't merly focusing or taking your time.
Bill-Ok um...The theme 'suicidal' is played out now. Time to think outside the box. In my opinion you had a good verse, The imaginary was detailed, painted with words. The emotion was meh...It didn't seemed to me you put any 'hmph' in emotion, if you know what I mean. The Concept is ok, I felt that you could've done better with The Topic, there are so many ways, just have to sit and think. Um....Your verse isn't complex. If you really want to make your ending 'shock' or 'awe' I suggest to you-use Complex Lines, hence metaphors, similies. But Don't stray off the Topic though, stay constent. Overall Good verse. Conclusion- Well my vote would be 'fuck' cause he edge this with his imaginary and emotion. Bill You lost my interest in your verse as soon I knew it was a suicidal at the end, It would've been more better if you took a different approach to the Topic and made your verse complex, and your emotion was all that great either, didn't really 'feel' anything. But anyway, my vote would've gone to 'fuck' Nice battle, I can't vote though. Chea. ~Lola |
"And your emotion wasn't all that great either*
........................... |
Quote:
lol......it wasnt about suicide.....u dumbass......it was about postpartum depression.....so learn how to diagnose a topical battle.....and then comeback |
"Hangs herself"........Seemed like a suicidal to me wheather its from depression or not.
|
| All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:31 PM. |