Myself vs Lampejo
 

Topic:Walk with me as I share my secret

Check in Due 25 September
Verse due 28 September

20 line Min
40 line max

i'm here, good luck led.

Besta luck to you too atti.

Am ready to drop whenever you are... i went like 28

December letters build in slender feathers,
that paint gray clouds and rearrange the weather.
The winds shift over subtle whims of cold rains,
and we wait for a brisk breeze to bring a snowflake.

heeeeey jake, hows it going?
it's going great, such a perfect morning.
I know right? I can't wait for it to start snowing.

Trapped words wrapped under mittens and wool hats;
fingers and grasps, in the giggling twosome's duel laugh.
Love drifts along prolonged in the winds linger
as they share company in the seat of cold winters.

I'm really glad you came jake.

She speaks soft with her head lost on the street,
as her hand reaches for his; both palms meet.

... me too gaby, me too.

The two hearts take scenic trail through park east
with beauty tending, under the veil of new beginnings.

you've just, always been there for me ...
no matter what, you would always come.

Her head begins to rise as his eyes set in
on her forehead ... and she gently kisses his lips.
He opens his eyes quick to catch a drifting iris,
but she's already dropped her site to their tied wrists.

I-I've have always wanted to tell you how I feel gaby,
but I didn't think you could, you could ever want me.
don't be silly, you're perfect...

A subtle brush of crimson lit the winter crush;
they painted love across a faded touch, as ...
she began to lift her head, and started looking up.

I wish you really knew me.

Her eyes rip the curtains of precaution off and,
the summer bleeds across the screaming fox hand ...
caught in rusted bear traps the blackening seize
and twisted melodies tango in a screeching octave!

what's wrong jake?
... n-nothing nothing at all

As he reaches for a breath her head leaves his,
and they walk to the pace of his racing hearts beating;
the scene blurs then repeats and he wipes the blinding,
and tries to hide the look of horror he found under her eyelids ...
but before he can gather his composure her head lifts

I just wish you really knew me.

The bondage wraps slither from her pupils
like tentacles and smother the once beautiful.
Now she's handcuffed to the best posts moaning
while the tears run down her cheek bones in-
to her open garden as blood fills the old sink ...
she's cleaning her battered self in the fractured mirror,
beneath the calcium deposits and shattered flowers!

... gaby!
jake what's wrong!?

Their hands part as the sun rips the clouds apart,
and he replays the clips of drowning hearts-
on a broken record player under the sound of harm.

She drops to her knees and begins to weep,
as he looks to the sky with closed eyes and breathes.

I-I should never let you know me!

The tears spill across her crimson lap,
as he took her hand and lead her to the path ...
As the snowflakes rained from her soaking lashes,
he took her face and softly kissed those broken lips.

... I love you gaby.

Need like a 12-15 hour extension... lost my shit on my computer so i gotta write it again. My brothers girl just had her baby so ima be there for the like next 5 or 6 hours .. if not its cool.

Granted .

How It Started

It was the last year that bush was to be president
The war was still going on, everyone was left repent
The shrub has just sent over fighters when it happened
Schrewd oil set a blaze, Bushes brow set to a bend
"Bomb them sons of a bitches" says the president
They took out the base first, and now with his concent
It begins the end of the war and the begining of the holocost
Atom bombs and chemical warfare being to fall upon us
While we know god created the earth only seven days
Bush distroyed two contries in more then sixty ways


What happened


Chemical bombs filled with nerve gas hit
With extreme force, taking everything with it
Everything materalized instantly to ash and dust
Objects combust into firey explosion whit that plus
The never gas starting to take its toll on everyone
Only a matter of hours until they are dead
So what else i there to do, other then to get up and run



..................................The Ending Results


Silouetted footprints hauntingly follow me
As i walk acrost the minipulated deserted earth
Saturated in sour reminders of screams and pleas
Divident slabs of crustations with nothing left to berth
Blackend rose pettles float threw the air from inceration
Dirty dust swirling with red rust settles with a foul musk
Greed took over with temptaion nothing left for contemplation
Divents dispised daringly drasticly drowning daylight to dusk
Memerable multint mounds mangle margenal members
Salvatious sands stedely slither serpently sideways
After tongiht it will be the end of all the past septembers
Looking ahead visions of tourched planes and miles of maze
The world has come to an end, nothing more to see here
Suit gathers in my corneas, everythings turns to a slight blur
I look over to the one i've been talking to and cant see near
But the rain fall upon my eyes and i can finally see her
Face of an angle, mutilated body, a result of the nucluer warfare
We are the only two surviors, Stuck here to share our secrets with others

Damn was gunna edit for spelling errors after i posted it but i cant edit... Dont mind the errors type it up real quick so that i wouldnt go past my time sincei dont know how long i have

Myself:

Nothing special, but solid verse. I liked the imagery and the story itself. The innocence turning into something dirty is something I think we all face in a relationship. Like I said, nothing special or amazing I can really say, but I liked it and was worth the read.

Lamp:

I really wasn't feeling your approach to the topic until the end and it all made sense. I think had your followed that kind of story better, you could have won. More detail in each person's life, more a view from them, etc... Something that put me in their mind instead of just some person on the sideline.

Myself gets it for more detail, creativity, and overall just a better written verse.

v- Myself

myself-Ive seen better from you..though your imagery was dope. had a good story line and the sort of twist thing was pretty cool...theres not much to say reall other then hands down you have it.

lampejo- your verse should have been drawn out more...i feel you left out some key parts of emotion or imagery...shoulda kept going man...just didnt cut it

v/myself.

Lampejo, you forced a lot of rhymes...Myself kind of did too, but they did rhyme to an extent.

'happened'
'bend'
'holocaust'(hall-a-cost)
'fall on us'

Lempejo, your storyline was nothing amazing either...imagery was okay. All you did was...what everyone has been doing for years, and many of them have done it better.

Myself had nice imagery, some nice internal rhymes, and overall a slightly more creative topic.

v/ Myself

[quote=Hadez]Lempejo, your storyline was nothing amazing either...imagery was okay. All you did was...what everyone has been doing for years, and many of them have done it better.
/quote]

Would you mind clarifying that for me? what have people been doing for years? writing? telling storys? what damn your explanations are shit huh