"Lost"
 

Please tell me what you think...

Hes that kid everyday you see sitting alone at school
The one where you see his Grandma pick him up in car-pool
He passes you in the halls, and you don't bother to say "Hi"
You just keep talking to your friends, and let him walk by
People whisper things behind his turned back
Saying made-up shit like, he does crack
No one ever talks to him, or pays him any attention
Then he gives up, you start seeing him in detention
Nobody cares for what he has to say
So his mouth is shut, and it stays that way
Everyone looks at him like he don't belong there
They make fun of his face, even his clothes and hair
He goes through two years in high school, having no friends
Giving up on everything, like people and recent trends
being bullied always, never getting a break
Hes had all that he can take
You seem him stand up, then just walk out his class
All your friends laugh and call him a dumbass
You know that something is really wrong
Theres something that dont belong
You hear a door down the hall suddenly slam
In the hall everyone starts to cram
You hear some whispers coming from a stall in the bathroom
Then silence falls upon the school by a loud 'boom'
A teacher walks in and we hear a scream
Blood is running from a stall in a stream
they say, we were just playing, not knowing the cost
No more worries now, another soul is lost

its kinda dumb lol...Tell m what u think please!..Thank yah!

This is good. It flowed well and was simple put the point was very clear. I can relate because I used to be that boy till I stood up and made something to myself. Life is what YOU make it. Again good drop, keep writin JT

ive read a peice like this before IN FACT VERY similiar

i felt you could have taken this farther if you would re do this peice take th e topic add in personal opinions and stregthen it up a bit it wold be spectacular

the topic is one that i think weve all seeen ( being youve been in school before) theres always that kid walkin down the hall that you look at n stare at and if by chance he comes your way? you move away

i understand this peice and id love to see it redone to a higher level

Yeah i agree...this was a pretty good piece...i felt that i could relate to this...it flowed pretty well as i read it...word choice was good i thought...the way you had it structured was pretty good too...but overall it was a good piece...keep at it.

iight

theres always seems to be one of him/her at every school/peer group, and even thou that doesnt happen all the time, it still isnt a very happy thing for them to go throu, and even thou ppl say nah, i dont ingore any one, or over look any body, take a closer look and maybe you'll find that you've over looked them for so long now you just dont see them anymore. its true. anywho this piece was nice, had a good message to it, and a good flow, it made you think and relise some things too.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

Thanks for all the replies...I was thinking about re-doing this one so I guess I will. I feel I could make it better...thanks for the advice

peAce

this was a tight piece, it ended too soon but other than that i thought this piece was pretty tight, nice imagery, nice wordplay, alright vocab.~1~

thanks for the fedback on it. I am gonna do some work on it so i think it will be better when im done..Thankz...

peAce