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zonin out
raised a product of lock-ups and hate-rock,
caged from a young age,dumb-rage an irate thoughts/ insane plots formed to stack cash off cocaine in it's rock form, perform transactions,come back and ransack em with arms drawn/ never went to school,this is how i learned fractions, burnin trash-cans light my way/ burnin hash by grams night and day. still learnin and yearnin for a righteuos way/ before another man decide to take the kid life away, but i'm returnin to purgitory,old e"s and fortys in my fightin days/ the pyrex,whole kitchen a mess, pitchin hard white an cane, why stress, i'd just hit the prison yard and write sum flame/ now my flow all over the place, spits slackin, but i ain't sleepin nah, the kid nappin/ wit a big magnum i run up and kidnap men, stick ice picks to ya abdomen/ twist ya around an hit ya in the back again/ dog, my lifes darker than a black cadillac packed with north africans....... i dunno |
^You need to leave feedback on two other open mics or this will get closed.
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^does my job for me.
You need to go leave feedback on other peoples open mics, then add the url links to your open mic. You need to do this every time you post a open mic, the reason for this is to generate activity. I will leave solid feedback once your links are posted. No links in 24 hours this will be closed. |
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well the format change to ya verses helped ya flow and structure a lot.where before i seen a person with a positive attitude who needed help, now i see a person wit a good attitude and a lot of potential. the first thing is ur gonna need to drop the street topics and thugh lyrics. they just normally dont fly on this site with readers. i personally dont have a problem with it and would never tell u to change what u feel u need to right about. but save that for your actual music. try writing about some different, more complex topics. the least it will due will help extend your vocabulary as well as help u furthur develop your usage of different literary devices. that way when you actually do your songs about whatever you want them to be about, your total package will be there.
but as far as this piece, it had a good flow to it and a couple of good punchlines. your finisher actually was kinda funny. you just need to word on ya rhyme scheme a little more in order to make it flow more fluently. i dunno what it is, maybe a few more multies and you'd be good. like i said, i like how u actually take criticism as a way of elevating so as long as you continue to drop, ill continue to leave feed on your pieces. this was and decent drop, nothing special but not bad either 6.5-7/10 |
couldn't be better advice i been workin alot on most the issues u touched on but this wasn't one of my most lyrical or best peice as far as lyricism goes in the first place just felt like droppin.......but on the other hand i'm pretty versatile so i'll end the street stuff and showcase sumpthin a lil more complex just lately been on sum other shit ya dig...............but whatever the case thanx on the feedback.
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i feel you, like i said, i got nothin against verses like that, most of my songs are made for the hood, but its also easy to get into a groove doing those songs so i use this site to switch it up andexpand my talents if i was to compare some of the stuff when i first joined this site to now i would embarrass myself. but like i said, you have talent. do u do audio?
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yep i'm workin on some joints now with a few guys i been rappin with lately but these dudes lack a lil motivation so i'm bout to do my own thing.when finished i'll have it up for y'all
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