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Tequiero
A lone star twinkles in the night. burden free, chanting "I AM FREE". heart pounding its very own chest. with light touches of a love that lasted. weary from a nights day of bright. awake on stage accompanied by a tree. the shadow lays on like a good luck vest. i love you, travels through a spell thats casted. tears travel faster, than a bullet released. ceased at a very moment important to her. lost in a desert that's only known to men. . . his smile frowned upon, like an utter inner beast. all his say's are ignored like a birds liter chirp. alchoholic beverage, the cause of a bewildered sin. my emotions are like the day as she covers the night My soul alway's layed in the dark, she alway's stood in the light she was my tequiero..... |
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shits dope fam I liked it a lot you down for a collab?
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anytime man....just let me know through PM.
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First off, don't put periods at the end of every line just because you're breaking off. Put it there if it truly belong there and that's it. It took me like 5 minutes to understand the first like 3 lines because I didn't realise you just added a period to everything and I was actually supposed to just read on through as one whole line. As for the content, it was up and down for me. Often the content switched tense and direction from narrative to expressive without any real sense of defintion between the two... which tells me it wasnt so much a technique as it was you just wrote this and didn't realise it. It was very simplistic, which can be fine, but I feel like you need to work on your diction a bit so that your lines feel more presicely placed. I liked your final line...
'my emotions are like the day as she covers the night My soul alway's layed in the dark, she alway's stood in the light' Although I hate similie's with a passion, I felt like you made this line creative and thought provoking enough for me to be able to get past that. Overall it was ok, alot of spots where things could be tightend up and such but keep at it. |
woot woot thanks man will do...
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After reading it a few times this is what i've come up with:
I am really shit at explaining my thoughts, so bear with me. Your skill with words is fine, I liked the way you chose your words and techniques (like that dope simile in 2nd last line). This is the part thats hard to explain... hmmm... The vibe I got from your poem was somewhat loose. Loose as in like, spread out, not physically but some other way. And to make it better you need to sort of bring your shit all together, condense it, so not a single word is wasted. That makes absolutely no sense, but its the best I could explain it. lmao. |
nah nah man thanks i appreciate the feed man really i like opinions i will take your advice up on my next piece.
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