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Why Don't You Love Me?
Why Dont You Love Me? ...We started with flowers, powered by a bliss The dust shower'd as it got sour by the kiss She was a coward when it came time to exsist Even as she got louder, she was hard to resist The sex is crazy, I mean...she never complains But she doesn't move at all, I think she's insane It's driving me mad! I'm so glad we can work out I punish you daily, and yet you never shout out Is this love? I hope so. Your perfect in every way I'm so glad I get to see you, hold you - every day But there's a problem...we fuck. You never scream You don't even move in bed, must be those dreams But it seems as of lately, baby you're falling apart How many times must I have to re-tape your heart I've never broken it...and I'll hold it......for all my life Start talking to me - you dont seem much like a wife It doesn't seem right ... open you're eyes - baby! Oh, so this is whats it like ... to date a dead lady. "...We started with flowers, powered by a bliss The dust shower'd as it got sour by the kiss She was a coward when it came time to exsist Even as she got louder, she was hard to resist" |
hmm..you can leave feed on my piece, its right below yours.
The rhyme scheme was pretty basic,..topic was okay, it got a tad repetitive in a short amount of time..like I knew somethin about her dead was coming cuz you kept droppin hints, it was okay. It would had been better if you made it longer, it was too short to get into imo. Still, decent piece. keep writing |
this was hard for me to get into...i think you're foccusing wayyyyy to much on the symmetry of your lines...rather then just saying what it is your feeling......when your lines are that short...they seem...1...incomplete...2..forced....and 3....theres no room for multis really...not good ones anyways...and multis are sooooo under-rated in topicals....they engage the reader....now...you don't have to use them as frequently as I do...hell..i probably use them too much...but it adds a nice flavor to the piece if you can improve your flow via multis/rhyme scheme....
now...as far as content...it wasn't very original...but...if you can make it your own..that doesn't really matter....extend those lines....allow yourself to speak more freely...and you WILL make it your own.......keep at it man. |
I agree with In-Vision you need to add more multis and you rhyming seemed
forced at times.. I didn't think it was a bad verse nice drop. |
shit was ok, agreeing with in-vision here, some of the lines seemed out-of-wack to me... like thats not what u really ment but because of the space u had no choice to leave it at that.... its cool tho. piece was alright, good lines and stuff, has its meaning, but make it longer, explain what u really feel, cus u just kept repeating yourself, only with different words... keep posting kid, dont let your head down.
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Links or this will be closed in 24 hours.
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ur asking for links a week after this shit was posted??? damn u must be ontop of your game boi...shit...
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pretty basic over all, vocabulary and complexity of the piece was dull and could've been a lil more colorful no real flip to the topic even tho how you expressed your words had little to do with the topic even if flip'd...asking why donj't you love me? and the reason being she's dead....isn't really an eye opener or shock i kinda picked up the body and ending of the piece rather quick. scheme was basic also....meh too short to really ellaborate could've been way better if executed right.
-XM |
good lines... drop more
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Closed.
-Mardu Entite |
Wasted. Follow the rules im sure your use to them
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