1st Drop-Lookin For Pointers
 

Yo this is my first poetry drop, im new so if you dont like it rather than be negative-help me elavate with pointers n tips...i couldnt think of many ideas that havent been already played...such as love/death/hating the government so im writing about a prisoner who has murdered and feels guilty-its basic txt but lemme hear what ya think

I Call Its...Prisoned Body-Prisoned Mind

He Lays There In His Cell…With His Eyes Red N Watered From Tears.
For In One Single Minute…The Pain He Caused Has Hit His Conscious For Those Hes Slaughtered For Years.
Hes Shaking…Reflection Of The Way He Left His Victims.
Hes Finally Waking…From His Own World Were The KiLLaH Hid Him.
He Feels Dirty…The Lives He’s Taking Killed His Confidence.
At Age Thirty…He Finally Has Met His Greatest Enemy-His Conscience.
As If He Was At The Crimes...Witnessing His Own Murderous Actions.
Denies As He Whines…For The Way He Feel-Death Would Be The Greatest Satisfaction.
But He Knows-The Stair Way To Heaven Is Too Steep…And It Hurt Once Again If He Fell.
For He Knows He Was Wrong-Represented By Weeps…He Lazily Took The Escalator To Hell.
His Blankets Are Spread…Not Tied Together As A Noose Of A Rope.
Not Merging The Wall To His Head…He’ll Serve His Time-Despite The Way He Cant Cope.
He’ll Start From Step One Of The Staircase…As He Lies There Sorry Awake A Night.
Tears Stream Down His Face…Prays That God Will Allow Him Climb The Steps Again-To The Light.
Just Like The Way Light Through The Prison Bars Peers…He cant Put The Guilt Away.
The Morning He Awakes-He Rids His Tears…And Fights Another Day.

Nice stuff man stayed focused on the subjec good job def. keep em coming

yo thanks..:)...more comments?

I thought it was good. I don't really have any tips for you. The wordplay was good, story was good, description was good. Good post. :)

thanks also i have a poem if anyone can answer-it has alot of multis...but i dont wanna make it seem to much of a rap...its like NIGGA TRIGGA lol...but its alot of similar sounding words...

thanks for da nice comments :)

Hey if you have time take a look at my Life Through the Eyes of A Bird piece and give me some feedback

nice post. tha story was good, and tha choice of words was good too. overall i think it was great.

thanks uppin tho for opinions from others

I wouldn't capitalize every work. It makes it bothersome to read.
It was a good piece for the most-part.
I have trouble feeling anything, however, when the poem is written in the third person because it feels very detached. You did a good job with the writing though and near the end of the poem I got less of that feeling.

Anyhow, good job. Rhyme Scheme was elementary but that's fine, eventually you'll start to seperate thoughts and ideas and break it up into stanza's.

Peace

haha thanks sorry tha caps thing is a habit from battling-thanks for da response

1

^You can always tell when an MC switches over to poetry for a minute. The multi's. NIce tho, gotta love the multis.
This is the first ive read from you Kassius, I thought it was really tight tho. Great imagery and emotion. My favorite line was:

>He Feels Dirty…The Lives He’s Taking Killed His Confidence.
At Age Thirty…He Finally Has Met His Greatest Enemy-His Conscience.

Lot of nice lines tho, Good symbolism, overall nice piece. Feelin it. Stay up with this n keep droppin em.
Peep my shit if you got time.
Pz.

i dont write much poetry either..
but one tip for ALL of your writing
shorten your bars...it makes it
difficult to read when they are
all different...keep a syllable count
like 12 or 10 syllables. and it
should flow very nicely...then
you can get into internals and
multis with that...it will make you
a great writer..

thanks sand

no doubt...
content was
very good.
you have
a good mind
for writing..

what is your aim.
peep that thing
i just wrote if
you have a min.

umm da guy in jail locked up fuck him an ya stupid poem/ be real !! da onlything hed be getting is ten years to life of butt fucking or cock gobbling/dats whats wrong wit todays society,you all want to feel sorry for these evil people/why write a poem about a filthy murderer dats probaly sperm drinking 24.7. would u write a poem about a man who raped ya mama then killed her ? would u want people to feel sory for him, fuck dat/ u got talent but ya stupid ass needs to change ya subjects/like y not write about da feelings of da mother farther ect.. of da victim,then ya poems would have a deeper impact but if u concentraite on societys losers your FUCKED!!!