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Sane vs urmomsuxdixxx
Topic: Lights,camera,Action!!
Line limit: Open Check in due 3rd of september. 11:59 Pacific Battles due 7th of september.11:59 Pacific Voting will end 11th of september. 11:59 Pacific Next round will go up 12th of september Looser leaves the tournament :thumbup: |
Wanna say around 30 lines?
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God I hate topics here, just go whatever lines you want. dont go a novel and we'll be cool.
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Lights Camera . . . ACTION! Ahead on Channel three news coverage; Another drug related murder this one more brutal then most, new highway east of 63 bill is passed, drug bust on west end of town results in estimated street value of cocaine and marijuanna around 35,000 dollars, and it's a little mans birthday, who would that be? All this and more at ten. Tune in. "That's a Wrap" *applause* "Thank God, I thought for sure I'd make a mistake." "Don't worry about it, just make sure you know the storys, read over the script" "My God... this one is crazy....." "I know I promised him, it's ok I'll still be awake throw him a fantastic birthday party, peice of cake" and a string round the arm makes the veins stand in attention and it's been war ever since.... I couldn't sleep last night, cuz I know what's comming today I love my birthday, presents cake, lots of fun when we play Theres light in the hallway, That's how I know it's wake - time cause we dont have electricity, light comes from day time The young lad dashed, determined he darts thru the door moves through the house like he's barely touchin the floor the hallway he walks into is musty, and littered with rubble he dont have friends, if he did they'd say he lived in the jungle so far this wasn't trouble, on your B-day would it bother you? He treats trash like the lava game, perched outside his fathers room Is he awaked? he wonders, making sure not to interrupt his sleep because that'd be the end of his birthday, and upcommin' weeks he heard people, more then his father it was a couple mouths Maybe it was them suprise partys he'd heard so much about "No you don't understand, I had to buy candles and gifts a cake, pinyata, and then find a handfull of kids I woulda had your money, but I was handling this! I'm 50 dollars short, you gotta understand all this" Then he heard it, his body organs turned to from catapiller somthin he never heard, but it sound so damn familliar he pushed open the door, it was probally his hardest and he seen somthing, that'll taint and tarnish any soul or snake that thinks he was sane to start with his dad brain in more peices then he taught to count in kindergarden who cares about his bday, his stomach no longer had butterflys he couldnt even stutter, closed one eye, opened the other eye then he noticed, one man standing tall and slim the other man fat and short, but looking down at him he couldn't take it at all, he started to faint and he falls next thing he awakes, blue and red lights paintin the walls You okay kid? it's gonna be all right, we'll save you all he cant take it, so you can take it all "We're on in five" "RACHEL!" "You got a broadcast and news to read" "Oh sorry" *Sits down* 3... ... 2... ... 1... ... LIGHTS... CAMERA... ACTION |
Extension requested....
Saturday 2 AM EST. |
are you fuckin serious? i dont care, but bitch move.
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extension granted.
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Quote:
Ya, I'm sorry, I decided that my health is more important then you and the battle. Will drop soon. |
Lights..Camera..Action The lights are blinding like the darkness flees from truth, But I swear on my daughter's life I was convicted with no proof. Depicted as a murderer they say that the girl's life was stolen, I was minding my own business when a cop called me over, just patrolin. Token black guy, asked me my name and what I was doing this late, Told him I was walking home after having dinner with a blind date. He stepped out, said to put my hands on the car, I fill with rage, Telling me my rights, 'Silence and the right to a attourny, I gauge The crime I've committed does not exist, but in society I don't fit, They test my sobreity, tryin me and denying me My American right to get help in a field that I don't get. I get in the car, driving to a house I shouldn't be calling home, Not even the other person on the line, will listen to my side on the phone. . . . 7 deadly years pass and here I am sitting in a cell rotting away, Counting the days until my plotting finally works and pays. I lay in my bed, gazing at the ceiling like it will open to the sky, And God will finally tell me why I am paying this immoral tithe. No one understands my mind, and I can't trust it in itself, How do I trust the sinners around me when I can't myself? The cameras all around me, watching me and my moves, Like one day my eating habits will finally go and prove That I am what they say I am, course that's defined, Cuz all the hallways remind me of my fate by the tell tale signs. . . My day has arrived, a day that will last forever in families, Going by the cells I'm lead to death as people are grabbin me. Like they can stop the jailors and save me from my fate, I'm afraid to tell them that they're failors and are too late. They open the gate, a creaking that tears my heart in two, One part travels to hell, while the other waits along with you. To see my death and destruction, the death of a innocent man, The chair of torture and corruption and deaths like sand. . I try to keep my mind away, but the lights are brighter then before, And all my feelings die as soon as they close the metal door. Lights, the devil's work to expose what people cannot see, The curtain pulled back to expose the death I hold inside me. Cameras, to record what these beasts think will cleanse their soul, Only one more part left in this sequence, my body becomes cold. 10 seconds, 9, 8, 7 please god say this isn't going to happen, 6, 5, 4, and we're on in 3, 2, 1................ Action. |
Needin some vizzotes.
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momsuxx - I liked the story line, but it was very predictable that there would be a verse about something being done behind a camera. The vocabulary was very simplistic and not out of the ordinary at all. It made it easy to read but it was sort of boring. The emotion and imagery were nice, but they could have both been deeper with better choice of words. Diction is what makes writing good or bad. But good write and keep writing.
Sane - I really was into the theme/story line of your piece. Wasn't expecting a death sentence kind of thing.. But just like momsuxx, your vocabulary was kind of dull and not very complex. This brought down the imagery and emotion as well. You did however use better vocab than momsuxx and the read went much better. Overall - I think the story line is what it is coming down to here cause' everything (vocab, emotion, imagery and structure) else was about equal to the fullest here. Sane's vocab was a bit stronger than momsuxx's though. So my vote is going to Sane for more creativity and a bit more complexity. Enough said, good luck to both and keep writing both of you. \V/ - Sane |
Sane advances to the second round.
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