Yo this is a piece i wrote bout graduating yo'll
 

---let me know what ya think yoll, took a while --;)
---just a note: mr cook is a teacher, and mod is a school.--


yo secondary school is done, now its fun to stand proud,
theres a whole crowd clapping so happy rapping is now down,
please bow down staff we were the kings an queens of school,
we'll miss you cause unlike the primary rest you were the the best crew
the stress through work not completed, defeated us
like hate filled street some us were brought up on and treated rough
taught us heated stuff in science, and english appeared tough.
learnt bout breeding stuff as well and history leading half
of a large force and we were taught bout hitler's cold alliance.
formed with other countries much too weak to hold defiant.
now this tyrants gone and we all know this through our schooling.
who we fooling. time's come to ponder other callings.
drawling once as babies, even the teachers round here too,
were crawling on there knee's some bawling "lift me daddy do!"
and who here had the flue then went and thought that life was cruel.
whats crueler is the strife when two are close then stuck like glue
some of the males here to a young wife will say "i do"
under candle light just one fort-night since they left school
as they commit to each other and form the sacred truth
lets be hoping that they also say "i'll cherish you"
and not run out whenever his pay be getting too damn
low, dont stop this faboulous show to get a new man or
family, you'll will see that what i say is true
got to make the right decision hope my rymhes be getting through.

(chorus) we been at school for most of our lives,
we seen it all and we cant forget it,
and now we're moving to a different way,
this is what we say:
our lives will never be like yesterday

we been at school for most of our lives,
we seen it all and we cant forget it,
and now we're moving to a different way,
this is what we say:
our lives will never be like yesterday

yo we read our books mr cook informed us of good standing
hand in your work. youll get a new merc up on your landing
cramming knowledge into our brains was quite demanding
some will go colledge others will land in drugs handling
but friends will stick close, and not choke if they branded,
once handed back the notes that they wrote to sway standard,
the friendship grew even as they were caught red handed,
walked in late "your so great" the whole class chanted
now most of us think that the ordeal has passed, so we start
running fast 20 years on ....we still like kids in a class,
we seen a lot through eyes that have passed grades,
you cool cause u made it through not because u had class brains,
fast chains leading you up to being paraded
hell some of you are happy that you even graduated
you made it elated and though some teachers might hate ya,
i vote our time at mod will always stand out later.


(chorus) we been at school for most of our lives,
we seen it all and we cant forget it,
and now we're moving to a different way,
this is what we say:
our lives will never be like yesterday

we been at school for most of our lives,
we seen it all and we cant forget it,
and now we're moving to a different way,
this is what we say:
our lives will never be like yesterday

Hey wassup i am also australian from Brisbane..........
This peice was pretty dope had good flow....i could feel th heart in this peice...only thing i could criticise is the bar lenghts good peice i enjoyed it keep up thee good work.............................................. ..............

cheers mate
 

ay sup treach, thx mate--ill try to work on those bar lengths ;)

i thought the bar lenghts were pretty good, might just be the beat i was using, anyway real nice flow man, nice topic and awesome flow, keep that shiz up

Niiice!

not bad

cheers aight ;) thx fo yo input fellas. i appreciate it

Plz all u other Slangers-- id appreciate u to tell me what needs work and what you liked about my peice - Thx

OK, well im a vet here so like. . i'll leave constrctive critism for you, just dont take it personal and bitch afterwards. .


Bar lengths were ok in some parts but kept skipping, if your gonna write a piece make each line 12 to 16 SYLLABLES long in length. Internal rhyming will help with the flow a little more, but you were lacking internals in this piece. A couple of the bars ended with simplistic one syllable rhyming words, work on that, use mutli's at the ends of the lines, and also at the start of every third line if possible. Find your self a rhyme structure / pattern, because right now its all over the place and that shows while reading it, nothing too imageric or descriptive, the topic was actually kind of lame and didnt allow you to portray everything you meant, you seemed to be holding back on a lot of things, the chorus wasnt really doing a lot for me, just seemed to drag the piece down, it may sound better in audio, but IMO, it brought this piece down. Vocabulary was pretty basic, nothing really stood out to me as dope while reading, no cliche's or wordplay to keep the reader held captive and wanting to read more, those are key areas you should work on.

Ok, all in all it wasnt THAT bad, but you really need to work on a couple areas of writing a piece before you become dope. Sorry for the put downs, but you wanted critisism, and the best way to elevate is learning from your mistakes.

Reply to mine: Wonderful Women.

thx Camarac, appreciate it man like u said dawg = putdowns only improve an artist- i aint bitchin but when u said the topic was lame, i wasnt writing the topic thinking bout presenting the peice on a cd, i was writing it cause i missed graduating this year so yeh anyway check out my "battle text" and tell me what ya think of that shit.

thx again playa aight

camarac said some good pints and he knows what he speaks on ....i iked this though none the less it was well composed and thought graphgicallly this was good ish keep them coming.

NOT BAD AT ALL POSTIN