Believe?
 

this was a piece i wrote a long while back, short piece, enjoy and leave links

Believe?

Darkness engulfs my life's sky, without a trace of light
Sorrow eclipses the already dimmed moon at night
Rays of the sun are ceased, joy and bliss, now deceased
Time is at a freeze, I'm trapped in a world of displeased
Nothing but melancholic souls remain on the surface
Yet muffled, joyous cries of felicity still linger and lust
Angels above witness with unbelieving eyes of wistfulness
That demonic entities observe with intentions of the cruelest
Only our savior can help, he simply refuses to save us
I won't believe and trust, burdens he won't relieve and thus,
Am I responsible for the diminishing spiral this realm thrusts?
Are the angels, demons, & savior nonexistent? If so, I am just
In an Earth full of deceit, to whom is one to believe?
A god of unseen truths? I'd rather live my life free

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post3219620
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post3219624

Pretty decent piece Jay, it could had been a bit longer. It had some good imagery. The words were well chosen, vocab was on point. Flow was ok, you coulda threw in some multi's to make it flow better. But that was the only real flaw, but the rest of the piece made up for it. Props dude, keep writin

I'll leave feed when i get off of work.

wow... for a small piece, this was done very cleverly,,

the word usage / vocab deliverance was composed nice and the rhetorical questions at the end of your verse were a nice addition to this piece...

thanks for the feed. up.

Like the last piece I read here, your wording was alright but there could have been a much better rhymescheme. Just felt that your syllable rhyming was a bit elementary man. Emotionally, this was an alright read. Some alright imagery here and there -- nothing to visual though. It flowed decently and with some elevation. You can be better with time man. Keep writing and elevating.

This piece is the cliche for the phrase "short yet sweet". Well done...Your flow was created beautifully..with Great multie rhyming with the end/beginning of lines...followed by exceptional vocab..pretty elegant piece...you got your point across greatley fam....though i feel imagery was not really apparent in the verse...though it seems it was more an emotional piece seeing how u were trying to some what make a statement more than make us invision a story. 7/10 man...rtf to please