please please please look at this peice, Roses Die
 

roses die


flash bangs in the corners, of my blacked out white fangs
the night hangs, drifts over the light gangs, mood swangs(swings)
bed covers pulled high, coverin up my face
feel safe in a place, that aces couldnt escape
missplaced, food for the mind im disgraced
that the taste of my soul has left my throat chafed
faith or not faith, like waste or no waste
super glued with paste, im mostly held together by haste
just in case, my mind gets chased footholds and starter guns
i can run open mindedly, with the truth told lets start the harder fun

girls lie, fireflys, pass on and roses die
violets to, every thing remains true no need to try
hide sometimes, in bed i lye, and you wonder why?
i wanna die to the pleaser of my open crys

i wanna fight off multiple beasts at night
in the light i guide whats not treated right
with nearsight, i controll the hands of time
turn a tic tock to a tic tac and get charged of multiple crimes
lost rhymes, shouled i express my self?
lost times, light the candals on the shelf
and now u feel what u felt, filth and worry about your health
hard times have been dealt with, all i worry about is my self
solid and hollow, listin and follow
cape against my back, my words are not easy to swollow

girls lie, fireflys, pass on and roses die
violets to, every thing remains true no need to try
hide sometimes, in bed i lye, and you wonder why?
i wanna die to the pleaser of my open crys

i once received a rose, petals were red, stem green
i put in a vase and cared for it like seller to his pheens
and yet it died, all beautiful things come to an end
life can be over, no way out no unexpected bends
u follow the trends of whats in
u only get 1 life, and u decide not to sin
perfect roses, complete with the thorns
represents life, lovely life with its turns that leave ya torn
an unborn child, living up to representation
leading to guilt under certain situaions
and the thorns puncture while ur soul ruptures
corupted by a rose and its dead now, no cure
for infedelity at a young age, things die things turn old
remain strong, remain there, remain smart, remain bold

girls lie, fireflys, pass on and roses die
violets to, every thing remains true no need to try
hide sometimes, in bed i lye, and you wonder why?
i wanna die to the pleaser of my open crys

NICE POETIC STANZA BUT I LOST THE FULL MEAning

nice piece, you kinda had an eyedea type rhyme scheme goin on, u lost point on what you were writin, other than that this piece wasnt that bad, nice vocab, needs more multis, other than that ill piece.keep elevatin.~1~

yeah fo real tat was good poetic structure but the meaning i lost but still very good shit dawg the vocab was good so keep postin ur shit

thanx for the replys, well the meaning of this is basicly life
ill break it down
1st verse - you deal with things that everyone else deals with and u make it through it hint the line
"bed covers pulled high, coverin up my face
feel safe in a place, that aces couldnt escape"
you will end up dealin with things
2nd verse - things that can happen and things you wanna do
3rd verse - basicly lays it out on why a rose represents life
the corus - self explainatory
i plan on editing this peice to make it better thanx for peepin it

MAn i really liked that shit man u done it dis time im waitin to hear more from u man and doo please keep elevating even tho ur already good

still uppin for feedback

That's very floetic, I don't see many pieces like this in open mic, so props for being unique. Good piece all in all. Stay active fam. One+

yo nice piece. real good flow on the verses and i liked how u maintained one rhyme the whole time in each verse. sounded like a cool steam of conciousness type poetic piece like just sayin wahteva ya felt like saying...maybe thats why that dude ^ above didnt get a straight up meaning or point. i just think it had a vibe to the whole thing. one constructive critizism is that the rhymes in the chorus were kind of elementary but it still sounds tight. good job dawg. peace

YP FAM THIS WAS A GREAT READ AND POETIC CONCEPT MIXED WITH TRUE LYRICISM MADE THIS A WONDERFUL READ THAT LEAVES WANTING TO SEE MORE FROM YOU

i agree that in most respects, this was a decent drop, but i agree that the message or point behind it was a bit hazy, dunno really what you were trying to put across........but in most aspects it was nice.....good read.....peace to ya!

thank u for feedback

thats like the most feedback ive ever received on a peice, i feel a tear coming on