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looking from the office. -my first RV poem
its almost rusty looking filth on the window up here
a caterpillar wants to fly like the glass wants to be clear there is one benefit that the glazing can boast they can see for miles, almost to the coast cars drive by like toys being pushed about litterpickers stalk streets like aardvarks with a snout. industrial areas, sites, buildings and yards watching someone working reminds life is hard shows you must be smart and keep life focussed most of us wont find hapiness thru any hocus pocus people be brewathing shit all day, not just smokers think about it really, we're not different from locusts just here to flitter about and get a job done trying our utmost to find time for fun but to some a little fun is never enough to others 10 minutes enjoyment is far too much little feedback would be greatly appreciated |
This was interesting, very short, but still I found quite a few things that I really liked about this piece. Right from the begining I was figuring you would just be very generic with your storyline being it's your first poem. But the direction you took just was so out of the ordinary that I never really knew where you were going fully until about the middle of the stanza... Which I liked because the piece didn't become predictable. You also had some very unique descriptions that came off to me a very creative and original... And even used some similies that I liked... When i normally HATE similies because they usually break away from the flow of the emotion. Great job man.
Only suggestion is next time to make it longer... And devide your poem up into stanzas. |
Well.
To start with I think you could of done more with the topic. But as you said this is your first poem. Then as I began to read, the lines didnt flow well (due to syllable count being completely wrong, im guessing) this made the rhymes seem forced. But again, as you said its your first poem. I guess this was alright for a first. Just keep writing and suff. Pz |
O_o, Alright. Kinda Basic to me the Concept. Your view towards the Topic is Basic, you need to be like your One eye looking at this picture and your other eye is looking at this picture, use 2 idea's and put them Together and see what you get, you'll prop get a Dope Creative Concept. Alright your scheme is eh. I want you write your poems as you talk, just try it and see what you get....Overall Ok poem keep it up and elevate.
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hmmmm...... i've seen lots of pieces like this, but i believe urs was original.... i think it could've been far more creative, since ur concept/topic was so broad..... i lke how u ended it, that really suprised me, bcuz i didn't get the point or purpose of it until the very end, then i was kinda feelin it..... be careful not to let the rhyme scheme control u, for u are the rtist, and can do what u want with it..... that's all i've got to say, good piece, especially for your first...... keep writin playa.......
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This piece has quite some potential but being that it's your first poem, it's understandable that you did not use it to the fullest in fact. I did like how you built it up because a sense of mystery was always present. The wordings and vocabulary was suitable, it might have been little different or complex here and there but overall, you made good choices. The cadence and sound expressions need some work but that will come as you write more. I like the images you were using, nice stuff especially for a first poem.
Keep it up :thumbup: |
i liked this....not too bad for your first poem on RV.......i think you should do these more often...oh yeah and great imagery....superb!!
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wow damn im afraid i cant say nething dat every1 else aint already said......but fo real i think it coulda been more creative but like u said its ur 1st poem so ill let it slide dis time;)...lol da endin was tiight tho...keep up da work...1
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