time to cry
 

wuddup, i just started writing so im open to suggestion but dont even post if your just gunna talk shit.




so cold and solo, so low,to much time to cry
sit back, cross my arms and close my eyes
questions in my head: why im still alive? shoulda died
but barely escaped the grips of suicide
my chest, rise and fall, wasted air again
it coulda been a breath for one who didnt sin
let the ink flow, easing my pressures with a pen
close the eyes again, and slowly count back from ten
asking god for forgiveness only heaven could send
but i open my eyes and the feeling remains
dwelling in this hole filled with darkness and pain
restrained by the hate and my mind goes insane
looking for an exit, i find myself to blame
my heart turns black and pumps cold blood to my veins
nothing is constant, time passes erratic
the devil himself plots against me with tactic
got me actin crazy, smokin herb like an addict
tryin to hear god but all i hear is static
falling down the wrong path in a disguise of plastic
a spiderweb of toughts clouds my mind like smoke
so lite up a blunt, hit it, then choke
sin afer sin, intoxicated on rum and coke
drowning in an ocean of frustration
waiting for my senses, growin steady impatient
trying to shake off this severe intoxication
observing the world and questioning my placement
i wasnt meant for this worl or this time
evaluating this error, i realize it was mine
feeling the only exit is death, but instead i write rhymes
avoiding the ultimate sin, i apologize to god
i regret the day i labled you a fraud - geniziz ©

Sup Genisis...
The title drew me into this thread, I like original titles, something different, and "Time to cry" made me curious and fit the standard.
The piece was very well written, I honestly felt it..For a newbie, you're very talented (not that all newbies suck) but you said you just started writing and this was a lot better than what I expected..Nice concept supported with great imagery, and I especially liked how the rhyme scheme was unpredictable..(Sometimes people have ending words like, look, took, book, ect.) I like when the words seem to just coincedentally sound alike.
My favorite parts were these:

"nothing is constant, time passes erratic
the devil himself plots against me with tactic
got me actin crazy, smokin herb like an addict
tryin to hear god but all i hear is static"

^Very well written

"my chest, rise and fall, wasted air again
it coulda been a breath for one who didnt sin"

Deep line, and also the last line was a great ending..The last line is always important..

Nice job with this, I really liked it..
I'll keep an eye out for more of your stuff.
Keep postin n elevatin.
pz.

haha thankz, you just gave me a huge confidense boost, at first i was a lil hesitant to put my work in front of everyone like that but i appreciate the support :D

nice...deep
i'm feeling it
very exceptional for you just starting to write
the emotion was real nice, your word usage set the whole tone for the piece
i enjoyed it from begining to end
it wasnt overlly complex but it was far from simple
the vocab fit perfectly
keep writin
keep elevatin

boys writin like a pro- keep uppin-good rhymes and good shot not throwin needless big words just to have them in there to say hey im intellectual even though im really, really white and cannot rhyme. good emotion & good drop for first time.

hey, for a new writer u doin prety damn good.I liked these lines:

-drowning in an ocean of frustration
waiting for my senses, growin steady impatient
trying to shake off this severe intoxication
observing the world and questioning my placement
i wasnt meant for this worl or this time
evaluating this error, i realize it was mine-

I could imagine it speedin' up like tha climax,really nicely writtin.Also the lines Gyrl quoted were ill too.Stay ^
-Avi

This was some good stuff. I find myself doing this constantly so I don't blow up on the people I love and expecially my girl

"let the ink flow, easing my pressures with a pen
close the eyes again, and slowly count back from ten
asking god for forgiveness only heaven could send
but i open my eyes and the feeling remains
dwelling in this hole filled with darkness and pain
restrained by the hate and my mind goes insane
looking for an exit, i find myself to blame"

Any mistakes I make or stuff I do I gotta member I'm responsible for it. Like I said good drop towards the end u kinda got off the ryme scheme and then got back on it. Word usage and everything was great. Yo keep it up. No one round here really talks stuff. All in all we all help eachother. Respect JT

nice piece
definitely for someone who just started to write... ya came with some deep shit
I felt the emotions, throughout the whole poem... ya came strong from beginning till end. Really luved readin thru it, mostly becuz I can definitely relate to it.
Keep droppin, lookin forward to readin more
resp

great piece. U write like u been doin this for a long ass time. Scheme and structure were all tight. Keep it up. Ya got a lot of talent and u kno how ta use it. Great job. Keep it comin. Much respect

This was pretty good.
Before I start I want you to know that I'm aware that your a rather new writer..well here anyway... and I'm not trying to put you down or dis you but I critique seriously and don't put up with shit.
This wasn't bad at all though. Ideas were good..sorta things that people go through all the time. You didn't do a bad job of putting it together however your piece seemed as though it wasn't quite organized properly. Seperating parts of your poem by using stanzas works very well, and it helps the piece feel more organized and coherent. You could go striaght down a page like you did as a writing style but here I didn't get that sense.... for a few reasons.
little-to-no punctuation...this includes capitla letters.
proofreading wasn't apparent... work on that it actually make s ahuge difference to the reader and to yourself when you come back to old pieces.
and the rhyme structure wasn't consistent. this isn't a bad thing on its own, I'm just saying that it lead me to the belief that you didn't write this with structure near the top of your mind.
Sometimes seperating stanzas byu rhyme works sometimes mixing that shit up works better.... its your choice.

my chest, rise and fall, wasted air again
^^this line was powerful and emotional... very good.
That's the power of language for you... wonderful line.

couple other things I would';ve loved to have pointed out but sorry dude.... gotta run.
really nicely done done though for an early piece. Think about what I said...you don't need to take the advice though...good luck.
.peace.

That was a great piece. -Had a lot of deep shit in there. It was so well written, you had me visualizing whut was going on throughout tha whole thing. Good job. Keep it up an' stay up.