The Battered Youth.
 

Hope you Enjoy this....it is dedicated to the youth who is bullied or abused who can't take it anymore and feel low all the time...this is a fact about everyday kids in this every day society...

wow p.s is inactive so i thought id come warm it up with some nice poetry....hopefully people will read the knowledge...lol upping

man give me feed fools

to be completely honest, i'm not diggin this a whole lot..i'm not into structured poetry really though....because you can't say shit, there are rules..and you can't put rules on emotions...but i also felt that a lot of the metaphorical value wasn't really relevant to the topic you stated, and if it was relevant...it was a little mislead...like what does mother nature have to do with the victim of a bully? absolutely nothing...and by saying your soul can't keep up with time....is like saying that you can't adjust to how things are changing, when the reality is, bullys havn't changed..they've always been around....and to be COMPLETELY honest, i don't know why any victim of any kind of harassment would want to go back intime and relive it, the only reason i would want to go back in time, is to avoid something tragic(if i did want to go back, but i wouldn't) but you cannot avoid bullies.....asside from that..the opener and closer were decent...but again..i stress the limits of structured poetry..because there were a lot of words in there you put, that took away from the emotion, the raw power of the poem, of the feeling your trying to stress, your rhyme metrics were good and all, but whoever decided thats what poetry should be about..was either a genius..and needed to find a way to make expressing himself more difficult...or he was just a complete idiot...and i have yet to see any structured poetry that impresses me, so i'm going to take the latter of the two options....this wasn't bad at all..don't get me wrong...i just don't appreciate this style of poetry near as much...stay up though..keep writing...return the favor if you get the chance

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=223367

2 fingers
1 love

The arguing isn't needed... Squash this now or take it somewhere else. The Poetry section is about expressing and being creative, not beef.

Haven't seen ya in a long time.....

Val, if you post one more comment in retaliation I'll close this. I'm asking you to step up and just end this... Don't worry about his posts in here, all except the initial responce will be deleted.

ok....and atticus please do so, also leave feed you no wasup bruh

I'm not replying to it until you check out the rules man... Two links.

Hmmm I really didnt notice the ABAB untill much later in the piece which is a good thing. I mean it really had a great spoken word feel though it was in rhyme. Topic matter was good but your metas and descriptions I think need to be more creative. It was light on imagery as well. Overall I think it has a good message but technically isnt 2 spectacular.

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=223367
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...2056post2682056

there now leave feed atti:)

the only thing we do correctly
is to argue to and fight
so i wait for the beast to reject me
but hopefully they do what's right


Add "to" it makes it flow better. I like it nice twist at the end.


8.2/10

wordy.....thanks uppin

I think this piece is aaight.

the shadow's my protection
It'll never leave my side
for it stay's through rejection
Ill never be left behind

everyone please listen closely
can you here mother nature cry?
the answer is no mostly
but i believe that is a lie

^^ these are my favorite blocks, especially the last one.

The piece as a whole took on a melodramatic tone, maybe slightly too much of a melodramatic, especially with the line about contemplating suicide. Up to then it was poetic and strong.

Also, I agree with ol boy about the material not having relevance to the "The Battered Youth". I see how you can apply the poem to them, but I think the poem is a little bit more universal. This poem could be talking to me, and I'm almost 21.