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Wireless(0-0) vs H-N-I-C(0-0)
Topics
The Hand that Helped me Fall Only For the Righteous Tears of the Dead Just a dream... The Shadow Behind Me The Last Mile Circle of Time Sentenced to Love Blooded Placement As the Dawn Fades Through the Glass Of Hate and Love My Sirens Mourn Farewell... The Blade that wouldn't Cut A River Called Life ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Check ins due by Tuesday Verses Due by Thursday Voting Ends Saturday Minumum of 16 lines You can now do your own topic, instead of doing the same one. If you are unsure of the rules click here Good luck and drop dope |
Will edit or post topic, but going ahead and checking in.
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Checkin In...I like Just a dream if thas cool wit u
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Check..Yeah, I'm doing "The Hand That Helped Me Fall"
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16 lines, short and sweet. been reeeeal busy this week, typed something up.
This hand was beyond explanation, was an enigma to my heart Inexplicably appealing; the mere thought of it caused my heartbeat to dart The hand was composed of many colors, on my life it formed a scar It burdens me deeply to think that five nimble fingers brought me down so far The hand was the source of my nourishment, reason for my being Provided a slippery slope; so apparently I decided to go skiing As I swerved through obstacles I sometimes frolicked in the snow Which in soon time caused my numerous troubles to rapidly grow But as I soon regained my balance, the pesky hand revealed its ugly face When it assisted in myself soon being rushed to the E.R. with great haste Vivid memories of my loving family flashed through my mind Wanted to correct my problems... But the hand was over my face; seemed as if I was walking blind I soon tried to push the hand away; tried to better what I lack But like an obsessed girl, it seemed like the hand always came back I eye the horrible hand as the silver needle stabs into my weathered veins A tear slips... The hand has helped me fall, has been my rock; some things will never change |
I decided to do The Shadow Behind Me I’ve grown from a boy to a man with many bumps along the road Never knew a humans heart could become so kold Bold with eyes froze I look at life with tainted vision And think to myself “this world has got to be fiction” I’m a multimillionaire I made a life for myself Millions of dollars, vacation spots, and a bill of perfect health But I can’t just be happy my life fallin to pieces My wife holds me and consoles me as I tell her the reason “Baby I’ve tried to hold this secret but it’s welled up inside I wanted to take this to my grave…This secret shame I’ve tried to hide Because I try to blindly mask myself from the shadow behind me A dark secret in my past that just constantly finds me The first time I was a boy right before my baptism A few times in between and again at catechism I felt as if I were in prison as stole my innocence And every time that he was finished I lay silent and grimacing He took every good and pure thing of my childhood away Which is why I can’t escape the shadow behind me to this day And if you think that was something then the part that’s really bad Is the fact that Father Thomas was my real dad |
Wire had a deep peice, lots of symbolism and I like how he put it together. i could actually feel wat he was going thru, and he expressed himself very well. HNIC also did well, I liked his use of wurds and representation. although it was choppy in parts, I liked it. the surprise ending made it a lil hard fo me to decide. Overall, they were bothe good, but I have to make a decision, and I have to go wit Wire because it was put together and flow better, and also and lil more expressive.
winner- Wireless |
Ok I'm a man of total and utter honesty and I can safely say I didn't really like either verse. I could see what Wireless was trying to do, linking the hand that helped me fall as an accident on a ski trip, and later saying it was darkenking his vision. However at times I felt the execution was a little lacking and although the flow was at times good, it was generally basic and the rhyme scheme was forced in some places.
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^That was a good example of poor rhyming. To maintain a good flow and complex rhyme scheme you need to make sure there is rhyming (or assonance at least) in the last two words of each line. Quote:
^Notice the perfect flow and dope as hell multies? They really help improve the standard of writing and that's what you should be working on. You also had a similie which I grimaced at as soon as I read it. 'But like an obsessed girl, it seemed like the hand always came back' ^That line really sucked. But overall your verse wasn't terrible, but it could have been worked on much better. I know you rushed it and everything but I'm just giving you tips to improve. However, your attempts at semantic references and subliminal metaphors were creative which upped the quality of your verse slightly. HNIC, please don't be offended because I know you're new to topicals but I don't hold back in my feedback. Your peice was very basic and the concept, which was potentially very good, was poorly executed. When I read 'kold' I knew this wasn't gonna be a great piece. But dude, unless you're a really good writer NEVER explain the story in dialogue to a wife or something. Outline it out by providing background info and some insight on the chaacters thoughts and reveal the plot over the open mic. Dialogue OM's, especially one such as this which suffered from a lack of depth, tend to get really critisized. Thanks fo dropping both of you but I have to go with Wireless for having a slightly complex piece. V/ Wireless |
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Rofl Lmfao you read my piece completely wrong...the skiing was symbolism, snow was drugs..rofl. |
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Sorry, it was late at night when I voted and I was pretty tired. Still, you should have made the link clearer by at least posting a line of too refering to drugs. Even if you did it subliminally... This is only the 2nd time I've got the meaning of a poem/open mic wrong (there was an awful poem called This Room by some Arab writer I didn't understand). |
Wireless wins 2-0
Wireless (1-0) HNIC (0-1) |
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