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heaven and a ghost
the day has come when ur time is done
and you leave this world behind noone has lived to tell what the afterlife gives is it just all in your mind? the sight goes first and no longer can you look upon your childs face then goes the feeling yet you still feel out of place the hearing next and no longer can you hear their cries what comes next is deaths suprise down comes the light that your supposed to go to but your family is here so how can you you take a second glance but walk away you have to finish what you didnt get to that day far away your family has left you behind and you are stuck here biding your time then comes time for you to leave this forsaken place behind its time that the wheel of destiny begins to unwind you take a step into the light and feel at last releived no longer are you in pain and no longer are you decieved |
You need 3 links or names that you replied to or this will be closed by the mods.
Anyways, this was a good piece, you had a good way of showing emotion and some nice lines i think you need to work on some complexity and more elated creativity. Good poem for a start, but I think you could add more into this to make it more acedemic. Peace |
get your three links in here then i'll reply
~Tera~ |
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^^^^
there u go guys |
It goes along at a steady and nicely unwinding pace. Which went well with the telling of old age, death and realisation.
Though at times seemingly bare. Cold n what not. That could also work in favour of piece. Overall, something which one can most definetly build upon. ...resp.... |
It started out very deep, but then got increasingly simple. that aspect of the poem left me dissapointed and wanting more to see if you could make it better. i would change a couple of things about thsi poem, mostly the length. number one, becouse it is a very good message but u didnt explain it well enough. number two becouse im sure u can revise it and make it better. With some poems i find that the longer u work on them, the better they turn out, but some the longer u work on them, the more u fuck up. so it could go either way. i liked the poem, it had an alright ammount of emotion, but like with length, it left me wanting more. basically i like the poem, in alot of ways i dont. definetely not sayin it wasnt good for wat it is though. good work..
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yeah but i come up wit this off the top of my head u know??
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your intro to this piece, was pretty well done, but the second paragraph was what drew me in. You picked a sometimes complex message and made it pretty simple. easy to understand how you look at it. It was short, but i felt if you madeit any longer it would just be dragging it out, and making it farily boring. not all pieces have to be long. your structure worked for this piece, because it too was pretty simple. your outro i felt was good, i didnt feel like i needed more.
~Tera~ DONT HATE |
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