someone tell me wot was wrong wit my verse?
 

ok its time i sent this emcee back to tennessee
cos this is a non profit game, cos your rapping to the lowest degree.
but if you disagree then i can agree, you couldnt pay the admission fee to any under sea dream.

but heres something thats extremly free, my white female ass stupid.....go back to a. b. c

if ive gotta rap then ive gotta smack.....ya momma for letting u come back after you had dat asthma attack.

geeks like u freaks like me we couldnt win cos geeks minus 3.

i wish i could just send u back, but im afraid you arrived with a 'no return stamp'

well this is the end of my rap, ill send u a quater crack...and i hope you dun ever come back


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ok so tell me wot was wrong with tht drop?? ive tried elevating ive been trying for over a year and its still not working wot do i haveta do!

your lines are toooooooooooooooo long
some lines are a lot shorter than others
your punches are played
no wordplay
hmmm

just very weak overal

if you want more critique post this in open mic

work on your structure...
heres yours-

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it should be like:
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keep your bars even... and dont force multies... they should come
natural... if you have to think about em... dont use em...
think of some better punches... and learn to use wordplay...
create metaphors... they help with punches.

work on yo structure, flow, and vocab nigga.


what da fuck yo bitch ass know about tenneessee, revenge archer?

don't ever talk about my home or i'll have you to deal with bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

/\this isnt for beef post again like that i will personally see that you are banned...matter of fact if you post in this thread again i will see to it...

be nice to people after all you are not the next eminem or 2pac so
dont act like you are the shiznit


closed

Honestly, you need to up the ante...

your punches aren't hitting, and there scattered... your flow is off, and somethings are unclear and don't make sense... for instance:

but heres something thats extremly free, my white female ass stupid.....go back to a. b. c

if ive gotta rap then ive gotta smack.....ya momma for letting u come back after you had dat asthma attack.

these bars don't transition well nor make a heck of alot of sense. this particular style of battle you're using, where it may not be a continuous verse, typically follows a topic such as why your opponent sucks so bad or boasting about yourself.. in your verse using this style, you're too sporadic. your forcing your rhymes, which in the end hurts you...

i'm not saying your bad or anything, just thought i'd toss in my two cents on how you can deliver your verse better. Keep at it and you'll be chill...

What AT said about multis isnt entirely correct i think... if you need to force them, then dont use them... but whenever u write a line, think about it afterwords... if u can insert multis without changing the meaning of the line, then do it.. if it will affect the meaning of the line or flow, then dont... cos theres heaps of ways u can find rhyming synonyms that could work as multis. without chanigng the meaning...

Wow dawg your lines are everywhere.. you have stretched line, shot lines ect.... work on ya struct and on you verse too, i didnt catch any punches that i have not seen before.. just re arranged..
other than that dont give up keep it up and you will get better. :)

questions have been fucking anwered stop being a mutha fucking bitch already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!

thanx for y'all replies, ill try to improve structure etc, hopefully i will be able to improve......