corupted visions: Topic - The line up
 

5 suspects walk up on the stage, all facing the exit
the victom, very shy now, not only knew how the man hit
she also got a glimpse, of the mans face, a mark on his lip
and another thing she picked up, he talked witha lisp
but some people are tricky, and can change the way they sound
he cant be excused, for rapeing a young girl heading into town
it was around 3 oclock, 24 days ago, it took place
he had a gun, all she had to defend with was mace
mind might be racing for some, for there lifes on the line
but this is like a getaway for the criminal, not even a fine
as there brains jumble, heres what the're thinking
4 walk and 1 stay, will the witness find whats linking

suspect 1
How the hell did i end up here, a wife and two kids
our neibors say were not that loving, but we dont hit
and why wouled i do this, shes only 17, i mean
i have an allibie, i coudnt have been the 1 shes seen
ive talked to her yeah, and we held a decent conversation
she lives a few blocks down, ok keep my concentration
dont loose it man, you know its not you
But if she chooses me, what am I to do?

suspect 2
Damn, i said i saw what happend. not that i did it
look at me, 73, and viagras the only way im still "in it"
i got grandchildren, as old as this child
look at her, she reminds of them, kinda wild
this blister on my lower lip, cant look very good
i knew i should have fixed it when my WIFE said i should

suspect 3
look at all these people, here for what i did
to the public im a preacher, whos going to accept my sins
shes still a good kid, but i couldnt resist
if god cant controll me, does that make me an athesist
na its ok, they wont be able to find out its me
it was dark that night, so i know she couldnt see
but i talked, no i jus whisperd, it will be all right
my lisp isnt that convealing, if i keep my lips pressed tight!
im not ganna say anything, right now i have a lost voice
i still cant beleive i made this decision, what a costly choice

suspect 4
I go to school with her, and i used to have to biggest crush
she turned me down like 10 times, now my hearts turned to slush
but what they dont know wont her them, and how did i get up here
a few police started talking to me, but i know the truth has no fear
everyone calls me queer, i guess im the class nerd
the way she makes fun of me, really gets on my nerves
i guess i have a motive, but atleast i didnt kill her
u can tell the guy next to me did it, and he feels sure
they wont find out its him, and they probably wont
im the one with the motive, so my life will come to a hault

suspect 5
i allways go by the quote, if theres grass on the feild, play ball
teenagers are fun, to get high or drunk, and never return the call
but rape on the other hand, im not sure i would do that
im not made for prison, my body wouled just crack
im jus going to stand still, and they will know its now me
i have a clean record, and from my work i have handicap release

witness
Im still hurt, but they made me come and face him
make him crack, i knew that night i should have maced him
i dont know, maybe i should just let it go
its jus pays to show respect to your foes
but he was cruel, and he needs to pay
ohhh im so confused, what am i to say
yeah i know who it was, as i told the police man
it was none of them, that is what i stood to stand

quick peice i wrote kindy lengthy to get off writers block

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...654#post1010654
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...677#post1010677
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...690#post1010690

uppin, need some feedback

This was alright i thought....your structure was pretty good through out the piece, just could use a touch up in some places though.....you had a good concept i thought as well, pretty nice....i liked reading it, enjoyed...its good seeing you back at writing lol...but overall this was alright...keep at it.

shit was mad long from wat I c it had sum imagery

damn dont post unless ur gana read it or give some feedback

uppin please give some feedback

I really like it DOpe Shit Kid.................................Keep at It............Keep Elevatin....Hot ass Shit though...It got Me Really into it..

thanx uppin

This was a fast read which means it was good. Structure was off a bit and the flow was good. Try more with the wordplay and it'll be perfect.

man Sorry i havent posted a reply sooner but this was nice man tha way ya presented it its jst anicely done.....ya structure is good Like Most of ya Pieces You have done and ya flow was on Point and helped me go though it so yea that was good...ya vocab and Wordplay was nice for the Imagery.....the way ya used that topic was Nicely Done too....Good to see some More Work Man....Peace....