10 barz of skillz(please critique harshly)
 

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...791#post1013791

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...822#post1013822

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...826#post1013826

The benefit I gain from verbal expression is immeasurable to me
When I spit my game my next quetion's is it pleasurable to read?
The pleasure's all mine when I spit rhymes fluently flowin' fluidly
I treasure my lines cos they shine beautifully like golden •••elery
Lyrics paintin' my mental pictures my mind an' rhymes showin' unity
Each verse an essential scripture in the path I've chosen musically
I'm always gonna give my best wit' each verse cos I do it dutifully
I'm worth less than famous rappers but same quality like duty free
Truthfully tho hip hop's still new to me been spitten two to three
Always stayin' tru to me that's somethin' vets have gotten thru to me
So bring ya crew to beef I'm spittin' fire they jus' fuel to feed
It'll be cool to see get murdered lyrically tryin' to screw wit me
Grew up hip hop schoolin' me every track I heard my skills grew in me
But they're unproven need to show someone that they're true indeed
On the microphone I'd leave your whole fuckin hood in ruins bleedin'
Raw emotion's fuellin' feelin's everythin' I see all I'm doin's feedin'
To satisfy my appetite for new inspiration from my experiences
Which occupies all of my time between each of my lyrical appearances
A story told about the journey an' what I've learnt along the way
My very soul an' bein' is the wat my pen spills across the page

first off this read like a poem...add some internals....work on ya multi's too.....that'll help the flow....thought the topic wa a bit hazy...but some was ok....jus work on complexity....ok..pZ..

return the favour,,,,,,

erm that shit is packed wit internals an' multis, I asked for harsh criticism of wat was wrong not an inaccurate one

This was alright i thought....structure was ok...lines were kinda stretched out a bit but it was still ok.....you had some good multies, i liked that....you had some good vocab....flow was there...overall this was a alright piece....keep at it.

uppin'

Strenth's - Multies

Weakenesses- Add word play, add some more depth (vocab)

This drop is about a 7.8/10..... To improve it, try using some new extraordinary wordplay to it.....

the doctor has done it again. this was good. really good. infact, do you want to be in our crew, we could use another member. if so, pm me

Okay..

This piece had nice structure, but structure doesn't mean shit unless it flows, this did flow however due to the good use of multis, i didn't see very many internals though, that could use a bit of work, but the multis carried the flow very nicely, the vocab was adaquette for a piece like this, I saw a bit of alliteration, I think alliteration is very underestimated in rhyming, it does help the flow, and make it sick, There wasn't no wordplay at all, just one or two metaphors that didn't really come off to hard, you really need to work on that if your going to write self expressional pieces, Because otherwise it gets boring for the reader, the other option is to do topical, which is harder but you can amaze yourself how muhc depth you can go into, eg story or description pieces are good, But other than that the content was okay. Overall this had a good flow that is near perfect, but the content was lacking some..

Pz bro. (theres a real reply for you, since half the cats dont' know what their talking about)

Yo that was a real reply man much love I will hit up ya shit when I see it.
It did have internals maybe they're jus' not good enough to stand out but here are some of em

The "benefit I gain" from verbal "expression" is immeasurable to me
"When I spit my game" my "next quetion's" is it pleasurable to read?
The "pleasure's all mine" when I spit "rhymes" "fluently" flowin' fluidly
I "treasure my lines" cos they "shine" "beautifully" like golden •••elery
Lyrics paintin' my "mental pictures" my mind an' rhymes showin' unity
Each verse an "essential scripture" in the path I've chosen musically

I think all the lines have either seperate internals or internal multis but it's hard to get both. The advice on the wordplay hit the nail on the head man I'm gonna work on a piece wit good word play.

Very nice drop man, I see lots of internals in there, and your multi's are sick. It flowed nicely wit the beat i was listenin too as well. Only thing i think you could work on is makin ya shit more emotional... or deep know what I'm sayin?
peace bro.

you ok but u can u pull threw in a battle