little story (part one)
 

replied to
s.r.
jhony 6-feet
liba dee


i made this at work no beats no paper. let me hear the fed back

let me tell a story from beging to end
free flowing smart...no pad no pen
it starts off with hagging out with jen
sitting around the house talking about devadens
starting getting hot pulled off her pants and keds
got on hear knees and she made with head

just another day in the of
a young cat with nothing much to do
and if you like this
am a lot like you


when that was done telled jen goodbye
jumped in the wip as she started to cry
it was hot as hell out like mid july
so i ... decided to beat the heat
and went to the conor store down the street
bought two cokes 50 cents a pice
called up matt asked were to meet

just another day in the life of
a young cat with nothing much to do
and if you like this
iam a lot like you

matt was chilling his spot all alone
asked me to come over and bring some bones
wasnt holding told him to hold the phone
so i ... went down the hill to meet jhon melon
knocked on his door to see if he was home

just another day in the life of
young cat with nothing much to do
and if you like this
iam a lot like you


well hope you like it so far and thanks for taking the time to read it. if i get some feed back i ll countinue the story

it was iight need a lil more..uh...jus needs to be more exciting

^ you need to leave better feedback

But this was ok....your structure could use some work i think...try keeping lines around the same length so it helps the flow out and keeps it structured better....flow was ok....your vocab was ok, it should be up'd though....try adding some multies to this....but keep at it.

thanks for the replys

agiht needs work....elevate though ncie.....