Death,of a sort..
 

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...713#post1051713

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...754#post1051754

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...807#post1051807

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Words have left the page, letters without envelopes
Ink tears stain my face expressing what the sender wrote
The ink well's dried up and with it my expression
And as I walk past I kick the full bucket of depression
Start of a recession into an introverted dreary mind
The cogs of thought bereft of liquid scribes and grind
To a halt ,sign impatiently waiting for a fountain of fluid
But the floods have run another course Biros druids drew it
I'm in a parched pit where the ghouls that haunt the hour glass cant shift
So I dig with weakened wrist deep within myself..
A ball point of stealth
But its tip is no spade and the earth is in fact flesh
It merely jabs at a sorrowful sheet of white with an ink proof vest
Perhaps I lost respect and a perspective of my inner thoughts
I forgot that paper and pen merge willingly, they need not be taught
So I reach in a drawer and meddle with a new sword
I snap the plastic case of the old and let the new run its course..

…all over clean sheets

you can lead a clenched fist gripped by a pen to paper
but unless it is willing…the scribbled speech becomes forced labour

Dope

Good immagery nice use of vocab, flowed well, u stayed on point, really enjoyed this read, to bad its being slept on

Up^

Words have left the page, letters without envelopes
Ink tears stain my face expressing what the sender wrote
^solid opener, second line was really deep, feelin it

The ink well's dried up and with it my expression
And as I walk past I kick the full bucket of depression
^ I would only use the suffix "sion" when it is very deap, and it was, but I would have put the second line first n the frist line second to express it more

Start of a recession into an introverted dreary mind
The cogs of thought bereft of liquid scribes and grind
^ nice flow to this and exceptional vocab, very deep

To a halt ,sign impatiently waiting for a fountain of fluid
But the floods have run another course Biros druids drew it
^Didn't get it at first, but it is nice, flow was a bit off compared to other lines, but nice


The rest was really your strength in this piece. I lost the flow a little bit in the "ballpoint of stealth" line, but other than that it was really deep n a lot of complexity. The only thing bad I would say is to use more multis w/ the vocab, it would be even deeper. But really go0d drop.

And there ya go....

fgee... I love you.....

You always amaze me when you drop shit like this...

Vocab was good
strucrure was perfect

best of all the concept and the content, I can say I will never write a peice this good. Nice shit.......

Hit me up

Dope shit fgee...
Props to ya...
Good imagery
Nice flow...
Structure a lil choppy
But still....Dope peice
Rated....28/20

Hit me up.. we should collab sometime

MSN: ILLunatic1@hotmail.com
AIM: ILLunatic1

up

..First time reading your piece..very impressed..this was an excellent piece..your vocab was good..flow was also nice..content was excellent...nice work..

That's awesome. Truly, wow.

Do audio, fucker! I'd listen to this.

This was awesome none the less. Just sheer brilliance. It's opposite for me, my pens always move but I just never write anything. It's just fucking lines and doodles.

This was a pretty dope piece fgee ... I was feelin' it from start to finish ... Imagery was dope ... The meanings within' your lines were dope ... Content was nice ... Flow was a lil' choppy at one point ... But was still easy to follow ... I liked the rhyme scheme U used ... Dope piece overall

The ink well's dried up and with it my expression
And as I walk past I kick the full bucket of depression

Perhaps I lost respect and a perspective of my inner thoughts
I forgot that paper and pen merge willingly, they need not be taught

Those lines hit me the most while readin' this piece ... They were dope ... A lot of meanin' in them ... Especially the first two I quoted I loved those lines ... Keep doin' ur thing man ... This was a dope drop keep em comin' ... Peace

first thing .. liked the imagery, likes been said... nicely executed, flow mostly decent.. n the content was good,, well constructed... a good verse....pZ....

damn that was good it flowed well, and it was constucted well also .....................................

Re: Death,of a sort..
 

Normally, I'd frown on a few instances of word choice, because it seems that it is epidemically-horrid in most instances. However, a British, dare I say, moniker shone lusterfully throughout this particular piece. Also, although it was a bit metaphor-heavy, your references were all classy enough & worded correctly to continue & build upon their respective ideas. You've become privy to critique: applause is in order - &, well, here is what I would change . .

Just one thing: Complexity in subjects / topics. To squander such grammatical excellence on a round-of-the-mill ('til the last two lines) piece is deplorable. I've seen this topic done over & over; despite the original spin that you put on it, you could've done better, I'm sure.

My favourite lines:

This here, was an impressive line, along w/ your closing.

All in all, this would score in the ninetieth percentile of Open Mic pieces @ Rapbattles. Keep writing, & contact me for a potential collaboration.

Peace, Quality

thanks for all the feedback

Ok check it...

"The ink well's dried up and with it my expression
And as I walk past I kick the full bucket of depression"

^ This line right here nicley done...nice word ussage....Kick the full bucket of depression...Nice...

"I'm in a parched pit where the ghouls that haunt the hour glass cant shift
So I dig with weakened wrist deep within myself.."

When I read this line I had an image of you actually doing this...which is a plus Nice....

"I forgot that paper and pen merge willingly, they need not be taught
So I reach in a drawer and meddle with a new sword
I snap the plastic case of the old and let the new run its cours"

Sick line reminds me when I draw....Yo fam excellent peace..and I rarely say a peace is excellent...

Flow wise on point expression wise on point...Great job diffenitly enjoyable...

Im like looking at others because Im droppin something soon you know the rule 3 links.....so I usually don't like readin others but you made my day by scriptin deep ish...


Laters...

wow penskills got a hot girl, an' Koalatee pretty hot herself... lol... as for the drop...

hard to follow flow, i didn't understand half the words u used so it slowed me up a bit, shut up, i'm stupid an' i know it... but some the multi's an' wordplay/use/imagery was off the hook, good concept as well... holla at my shit...1