Lose Change
 

A Cellar Phone in the hand of a man with hollow bones
Rays penetrating his halo’s hole while the screen goes to “roam”
Not quite his wish, its just his ignoring of the warning
His ego remains floored while signals to his head are soaring
The bag boy asks “Paper or plastic for your two cans sir?”
Returning a smile and giving a “Its ok” wave for his answer
Outside the store sat a man, holding a ragged hat in his hands
His face held dirt for days, sand stuck into every gland
He dug into his pocket grabbing a couple dollars, about four
After hearing “Thank you!” he turned around and gave two more


Her life contained inside some leather sown neatly together
Her tools to make it look like she’s not under the weather
The address book full of people she’ll probably never call
A can of pepper spray if her back’s ever against the wall
The phone she bought to be used “only for emergencies”
But clocks two hundred hours monthly on her gossip certainty
Her wallet, holding the pictures of loved ones and some I.D.
Sixty dollars in twenties, close to ten in coins, and plastic money
And when she got bumped and the contents of her life went flying
It's no surprise why she started crying and felt like dying
But in the end it was a good deed that went unnoticed
Cause later that day a starving child found 5 bucks and wrote this;

“It's nice to find lost loose change”

the words used are pretty simple, but the structure you have put the word in, makes the piece pretty special. This piece was like one of the poems i had to do in my GCSE exam, i tried to take the open mic exam, but they dont have that???? dicks???
its an open mic, but its quite poetic!!

there is nothin that is bad about the piece apart from the fact i didnt write it!!! but it is flawless, to my herbish knowledge!!

if only your computer liked you, an you could do audio on their, you would probabaly get heard of in your local canadian club!!!!


an ill pice, awesome immagery!!!
you have a lot of talent!!

peace

Nice drop Bruk ... GOod to see U back into writin' ... I was definitely feelin' the meanin' on this piece man ... Both stanzas were nice ... Imagery was dope ... Rhyme scheme was nice ... Flow was good and easy to follow ... The ender was dope man ... I was lovin' it ... Besides that ...

The bag boy asks “Paper or plastic for your two cans sir?”
Returning a smile and giving a “Its ok” wave for his answer

The phone she bought to be used “only for emergencies”
But clocks two hundred hours monthly on her gossip certainty

Those lines there were among my fav's in this piece also ... Keep writin' ur stuff man ... Only good things'll come ... Peace

Brukkie = )

Very very nice ..finisher really touched me..
Nice story telling bruv, ik knew u still had it = )
really enjoyed reading this..

Nice job bruk, really it was... nice connection of the two stories..im a busy man & dont have time for good feedback right now...itll come tho... be patient, once u beat that doom guy i'll give a page of feedback...

dope
i liked how you described the whole scene and created a verse out of such a simple topic
the ending of the second verse really capped off a dope piece of writing
flow was really good as was imagery
no complaints
props

Hey Bruk...for an asshole you'e still a good open mic head
nice drop all around...
liked the vocab ,
good usage of it though a little shabby at times...
It's a good story you tolled..and you tolled it well..

Thank You =) Much appreciated all. Hmmm, maybe I should keep up the whole writing thing...

^You should...definately.
Anyhow, the two connections made on both verses was very well done. Undoubtedly, the first verse was less forced than the second verse, where it seemed one or two lines were put there to keep the one line before flowing. Your ending was very nice, something I would never have expected. Nice job.

nice...simple and very effectively conveys a message..has a general sense of goodness, nice concepts, whiel stil giving a positive and heartwarming message...never seen a drop from you bruk..you keep tight lil shits liek this coming..ill be sure to peep all the rest to come...props and respect

i loved the meaning and they way you connected both stories. its nice when people write about things that matter. nice rhyming scheme and good flow. Maybe coulda used some better vocab but overal realy good drop.

Dope shit Bruk..
Good structure
Good imagery
Dope set up..
helped understand
Flow was good..
Overal...17/20

*Round of applause for Jamie*

Haha...You should drop open mics more often! :p

Then again.....So should I :rolleyes:

HaHaHaHa.

Thank's again all. :)

dope any more questions?