No Sleep
 

Sleep deprived
Mind cries//
It moans and tears
with hopes and fears//
I cannot sleep
for sleep is weak//
why close my eyes?
to find surprise?//
I'll find a dream
A dream supreme//
and in this dream, no one fights
In this dream, there are no lies//
In a dream, you walk hard streets
and not be killed in concrete//
What a beautiful dream with no wars
In a perfect dream there are no poor//
Instead she cires, a girl forlorn
Easy to buy, a dirty whore//
Poor girl, cry no more
Busch says this is what we are fighting for...//

this was a nice little nursery rhyme...but names aren't what you use in poetry....gives too much solid detail...you need to be a lil more eccentric and not as precise....ya dig...but wordplay was simple...as well as the rhyme scheme....

but was coo none the less....


igido

Not to bad...the ryme schem was simple yes

i would say extend each line, make it more complex, more details tell your story, bring us inside...

and i think you might have spelled bush wrong...but i could be wrong

and i dident really get that ending, seems like you ended on a political note that had nothing to do with the rest of the poem

aight, its good to have feedback, but can i have sum good feedback?

Sorry if my reply wasent sufficent, just tryin to help ya up

if you dont mind peep my John Doe peice

ok yah want gud feed back....... i liked the peice!!!!! that would honestly be the perfect dream too!!!! its an original YOU poem. it has your kinda vibe to it! does that help at all?

lol, yup that does help, (again thanx for the feedback) it did explain how i felt at the time, and it was kinda a personal poem for one reason or another. your mentallity seems to make it easy for u to get my poems, thats so fuckin cool, thanx again :D

ur welcome...... i understand your poems so easily because its the kinda things that i think but could never find a way to write it down and that fact that you can find that is absolutely mezmorizing and thats basically y i ansered a shitload of ur poems because its my completely random thoughts that i think about for days written somewere in perfect form