first post here dun.......
 

Yo, first post here, some shit i did a month or so back

aint new to this shit, but just thought i'd post see what y'all think....

peace

{chaotic tyrant}
This shook muthafucker drops one, tingles and shock/
Makes you rock-bloody-keep your spot, knuckles hot/
As we drop nothing in particular, corrupted curriculum/
Church of England Schools prayin for shit man your just Trickin 'em/
We Kickin'em, Rockport Right-foot crush your cranium/
Monach of any state leviathons get blown outa equsion/
Abrasion, Years of friction exgageratin poets diction/
I spit my thoughts muthafucka, whether of not there fuckin fiction/
My incisive incision, sharply focused open your bowels/
You couldnt smother me, not even with a hundred thousand towels/
Get aroused clear imagary, like the countryside on fire/
I defy all laws of pain by rollin naked in razor wire/
Un-retired, Lyrics and gimmics form every single minute/
Stretch limits, patience, abusin all my prison visits/
Chokin Phesants....fuck, shit man i fuckin lost/
Like tryin to find your way home in a cloudy Holocaust/
No remorse on these haters, thirty seven im eighteen/
Stand laughin as i release box a rats in his canteen/
Im crazy, ive said it in my Rhymes a million times/
I look at the world different to you, death shines in red skies/
I revise all my words, throw drunken elbows at the mirror/
Suicide homicide, Bombings sparkin of mass world terror/
Unrevealed, covered up like the supposed alien ships/
My anger rages just looking at ya face bursts ya top lip/
Im-sacred jedi, you can feel my forces down in dorset/
Just by lookin deep in her eyes i start removin the bitches corset/
Back in time, in history a hundred years of unmarked mystery/
Jack is back mutherfucker, take your heart the scalpals glistenin/
Who's listening, Terrorise crews by throwin elec-tricity/
Isolate my supply, then chrage me with complicity/
Ileagal, no seat belt, or worldwide genocide/
Defied, my power multiplyed, the rappin cutlure died/


{Halloweed}
I hit three hundred fibre nerves, with only one blatant sentence/
Plain digestive disses soak up bile -y'all out like your defencless/
Im relentless, no emotion from surgery like Micheal Jackson/
incabable of smiling.. touching children is his counteraction/
wit Flaming passion, Insert gliches and faults into the circuit/
Y'all muthafuckerz rappin like ya verses are fuckin perfect/
Y'all imperfect, like deformed kiddies in a talent kontest/
Intravestation blocked, aputation is your only prospect/
Rap at ozzfest, get funny looks-get-smashed by liquor bottles/
Alteration to superbikes constructing unlimited throttles/
I watch ya waddle, three hundred pounds ya cant walk any further/
Lift up your T-shirt ya rolls look like-oversized McDonalds burgers/
You dont know where to start, like sailing out to find Atlantis/
You get ya Torso sliced in half, Entice ya blood to the praying mantis/
My style revives things that die, your rhymes actracts the fuckin flys/
You couldnt beat this muthafucka even if we battled a million times...

:laugh2:

If you want to recieve feedback on this, you should reply to other open mics..

But this was alright.....structure in this was alright, it could use a touch up in a few places though i think....both had some alright vocab....both should add some multies to their pieces so it makes it better...but overall this was alright...keep at it.

i thought it was quite good,,, some work on the syllable count would help a bit, but it still flowed pretty good,, the complexity was ok,, could have been expanded on a bit... to carry it a bit better.... but the concept was decent and the execution decent....pZ....

these were a couple of hard verses laced wiht punches and multis aplenty. good pucnhes as well, you flowed nicely off each other and the vocab was complex, especially for a battle-type verse.

good work.

cheerz for the feeback...

espect