Pleased to Introduce. My first shit.
 

Brothas on tha street call me MC Macabre/
I'm smooth as a Werthers when you take off my wrapper/
It's the bloodbath, the crimson red wrath/
I'll crumble you like a cookie if you step in my path/
I crush like a Tonka, niggaz call me big wheels/
Try to step up? You'll catch the dust of my heels/
I'm gunna break you, like a cheap Zellers Mic/
Or maybe chew you up like a lemon Mike & Ikes/
cuz my rhymes resemble chocolate, they tasty/
but yours are too hasty flow worse than the pasties/
tha only roll your on is being my red carpet/
You think you can beat me? Kid, that's farfetched/
Your pitch is inconsisten, ups and down like a yoyos/
while mine are Austin Powers shagadellic, with 3 times the mojo/

*chorus*

It's like a Buzzsaw, when Dijits makes the cuts/
He's got 'nuff skill to pull even WU out they rut/
My rhymes are purebred while others be mutt/
I got more gold in my voice than the Tomb of king tut/
When suckas try ta face me, they get fanatical/
But I keep it coo, like chess, i'm tactical/

==============================================

Yo, this was my first real rap so i'm not very experienced 'n shit. Gimme some tips on how I can improve and become a better MC.

I liked your use of metaphor's but I think you should try and use them a little less, it seemed like you were trying to fit too much into that one verse. You shouldn't be talking about other artists like WU unless you can actually back it up, and try not to be to high on yourself...maby try writting with another topic in mind.
Anyways, it was good, keep it up!

"its the bloodbath the crimson red wrath"......that line was hot....u got sum good shit....u aint best yet(i aint eitha) but keep pushin at it....tru at wut sinfic sed....but neway....ok drop....keep spittin... no hate.... ~1~

Thanks for the input.

It's the bloodbath, the crimson red wrath/

line was ill i liked it...didnt really use multi's an flow was difficult to grasp at times..

Brothas on tha street call me MC Macabre/
I crush like a Tonka, niggaz call me big wheels/

make ya mind up bout what they call you..hahah

Your pitch is inconsisten, ups and down like a yoyos/
while mine are Austin Powers shagadellic, with 3 times the mojo/

1st line is played out...a lot of your similes are simple....very simple..second line is a bit corny lol,,,

When suckas try ta face me, they get fanatical/
But I keep it coo, like chess, i'm tactical/

again second line i splayed out...

seeing as your new to rap...you need to vary your content an if something is simple chances are it has to be said before...but saying that every1 must be simple first in order to improve an spit more complex...try an add more than 1 word that rhymes per line an make each line have equal syllables..to help the flow...decent piece...you got potential...

please post some feedback on my piece..link at bottom of this post...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=105566

Nice, I'll work on it, I gotta nother piece to drop. Upping for more critique.

u gonna peep my piece?

yeah, I'm looking at it now.

uppin, drop some critique!

uppin one last time