it was on one thread but no one read it
 

my first actual post of like rappin... gimme feedback any thing


my lifeline goes alil summtin like dis

my lifeline is to write rhymes/ murder any mutherfucka wit tight
rhymes/ dont fuck wit wise guys/ never sniffing white lines/ just fucked up on sprite, guys/ and in tight lies/ i give my lifeline/ to my guys/ cuz no need for life guys/ i will strike my/ self wit a tite lie/ aiming to my right side/ shooting myself in a driveby/ or jumping off a high-rise/ and when i die guys... ima arise'n my/ funeral and scream surprise guys

^ mad short....the only way that would fill up an entire song is if you sung it...

repetive rhymes....it's cool if u stay on the same rhymescheme for the entire thing, but NOT cool if u repeat shit....how many times do u have to use the word 'guys'...and 'lifelines'.....shit

no impressive rhymes really....some decent ones tho

not very deep...and nothing worth quoting...

supbar

Well....your structure needs some work, dont put it in paragraph form like that, put it line on top of line. So its structured good and keep the lines around the same length so it helps the flow out...and like Rapid said try not to repeat the same rhymes so much, every once in awhile its ok...but work on your stuff....and keep at it.