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[pre]filed vs Poseidon
Verses Due: Saturday, January 24th 2004
Voting Ends: Monday, January 26th 2004 Topic: Growing Pains |
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Check.
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...Growing Pains... ...The Beginning of The End... ...as feelings unfold..relationships complicate... ...partners withhold..secrets from their soulmate... ...strain deepens..thoughts grow distant... ...life thru a lens..problems exsistent... ...realiability inconsistent... ...let downs consistent... ...spouses grow complacent... ...so far apart..yet adjacent... ...How Things Were... ...happy couple..living for the moment... ...like virgin wool..exploring each untouched indent... ...new terratory..they enjoyed learning... ...emotional glory..fires of love burning... ...new reationships...often the best... ...but when feelings grow..can they pass the test... ...as time streches longer... ...and troubles concur... ...will love dispearse... ...or will it grow stronger... ...Growing Pains... ...as time passes...each grows more demanding... ...jealously surpasses...rational thinking... ...each becomes suspicious... ...after hearing rumors..nothing but malicious... ...anger at cirucmstances..totally ficticious... ...blinds the fact... ...really theyre auspicious... ...to have such an attentive partner... ...pray for things how they were... ...but like time..life keeps moving forward... ...causing moments of feeling akward... ...when accusations of adultery are uttered... ...heart becomes cluttered... ...only way to move on... ...is to no longer be together as one... ...How Things Are Now... ...once too young lovers... ...now hate the sight of each other... ...how things change... ...when jealously reigns... ...and couples dont survive... ...the growing pains... |
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Edit your votes into your check in |
Disadvantaged is how my soul is beginning to feel,
And in this world I now understand is a place I can’t manage, For my own cold runny blood is dripping constantly, And to tell you honestly my open heart can’t be sealed. For I realize that I’ve stabbed through myself, Through my very own living soul, And though I may be still breathing, My flat mind and red heart have let go. Given out on their own kind master, And gave into the theft called temptation, They now ride on my memory wave, To a long sought out location. My two feet step away stiffly and slowly, Backing up to their very own grave, And the heaven they fall on won’t be holy, For I’ve lied to my friends, Family and peers, For my one greatest weakness, That weakness being pure fear. My story I did not deliver or tell, For a sad story it is for one to hear, So as a zombie I march myself off to hell, Predicting that’s where my feet slowly take me. Still, against the demand my heart reaches for the doorknob, But it’s the fact that my mind holds the key, Understanding that half of myself kicks me down, While the other wants to be revealed. So its here I now lay upon this broken mound, With growing pains unable to be healed…. ~Tera~ DONT HATE |
poseidon:
this was actually much better than I had anticipated, since I had never seen a piece from you before this. Each verse seemed to trail off. I like how you took the topic and worked with a cliche saying to make it a verse. I think you could have elaborated more on what actually caused the break up, rather than just growing pains. filed- whoa. I really enjoyed how poetic this was. As a poem it was fantastic, but as an open mic, it lacked many of technical aspects that are necessary. You ought to try adding in internal rhyming and multies. I really cought your flow though, it was quite dope. some of your words that were supposed to rhyme neglected to. The emotion was clear, and that was what made this really dope. v/filed |
i wasn't really feeling posiedon's verse at all. verses content wasn't great neither were their flows.
and basically, i agree with all maven said about filed. v-.Filed |
Filed took this on the poetic sides of things.. which was different to read in SS
but not that im complaining.i liked the piece. Poisedon, you could have done better with this.. i mean for the first time i seen you in a topical, it was good. ITs good to have better heads on this site.. but you just didnt have what it took to take out filed here v/Filed |
Thought both rhyme schemes needed help...
Alot of flow stumbled on both sides... But to be honest, I gotta go against the grain and throw to Posiden. I just vibed with it more, understood it, and have lived it. I read Filed's twice and still didn't "get it". I just couldn't find the emotion behind the message. I guess it lacked imagery for me as well. Posiden may not have needed as much because one can draw on their own memories with his verse. Good battle, but by an edge, Posiden |
posiedon, your verse had a nice scheme, but flowed akwardly sometimes, the words also dind't really rhyme, even if u tried to sound it out to. ending was alright, and it was expected..good job.
filed, your verse wanted me to keep reading, had better flow than posidon and kept interest. dope rhyming internallly, really felt. props. v. FiLed! |
poseidon:
this was actually much better than I had suspected, Your verses went off topic alot. The way you worked in the topic in each verse made it a little better..but you really should have stayed on topic.You could have put more details in the story though..it was straight filed- I liked the deepness in this shit right here.It would have made a better poem than a regualr open mic.. Multis would have helped. But nonetheless..you still had a good ass flow.. some although some of your words didnt rhyme.but..in my opnion you still won. v/Filed :thumbup: |
I liked the poetic approach by Filed, it was different
Poseidens wasnt bad but seemed to trail off at points in all its length Im not a fan of the small print/centering either Filed was more on point and was just a better read Vote - Filed |
filed wins
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