Broken Silence
 

This might now be that great technically...
But its something I needed to write
Bear with me

Broken Silence....

Living life in a tunnel hearing but echoes and groans
finding a symphony of sound within a woman’s moans
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Player like none other, getting ass in mounds
But these monotonous actions create monotone sounds
only music occurs is rageful when worlds collide
Then he realizes true music comes from the love inside
swallowed his pride, deciding playing is wrong
Time to take these notes and create the perfect love song
But he throngs for a woman worthy of this symphony
A perfect harmony, composed of deeper feeling
So it comes discreetly, the changes almost unnoticed
But now if a relationship would come he’d surely promote it
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Time passes, days to weeks and the silence deafens all
How can existence be flawed without music... something so small
Soon comes a call, so he hops in the car time to socialize
And to his amazement a perfect harmony played from a woman’s eyes
Pleasantries aside, they chat to a euphoric beat
Together for hours both dreading the solitude of sleep
So they embrace and dance into the night without movement
Both completely amazed out how much a chance happening meant
And the music was god sent, Chords and harmonies never heard in life..
Its like the man’s wrongs in one night had become right
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Relationship grew., sprouting love from attraction
Hearts beating to the same melody breeding perfect satisfaction
It’s like it was meant to be, two bodies with one soul
Never did it cross minds that the fire would grow cold
Didn’t know how this would end but both were content with bliss
Both sure not even Bach could compose something as perfect as this
Never pissed., Its like love was the only emotion in the spectrum
And any compliment ever given was said daily to her from him
Then love consummated. News came of a baby on the way.
Who’d of thought a 20 year old wouldn’t run away
...but instead celebrate such a day.
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Two weeks soon passed and it turns the baby wasn’t there
Both felt disappointed, but the perfect music still filled the air
More weeks passed and it seems the melody was growing old
Went from beautiful and bold to a story that’s been told
Both drunk and words were said, to this day neither knows why
Then came a sigh..... “I think this relationship is bound to die”
The man cringed at the thought but agreed somewhat
But laid awake nightly, in silence, cursing himself for being a dumb fuck
Of all the dumb luck, he ruined the only perfect thing in life
The inaudible sounds of feelings lost led to constant strife
Depression followed and came to a head with one last talk with her
Couldn’t resolve but it was clear both still madly loved each other
Alone for all time, the man cursed nightly whoever said silence is golden
Until the day it drew close......

............................*BANG*................ ..................
The silence was broken





(I still love you Julie......... and always will)

This displayed a lot of emotion...damn another one of those that makes
me reflect on past relationships and such...i liked the ending mostly because
it was abrupt but it mirrors a real life event...relationships are good one minute
then go to shit the next...

nice piece

Long pieces like this always get buried

i liked this.....i really enjoyed the read...i think ya flow was really good i liked it alot....ya structure was good and i liked that too...very emotional which is alright...and i think ya used the topic well it wasnt played out....keep em Dropin Wit...PeacE...

i really liked that piece ,
your wordplay was good an vocb was excellent the only thing i didnt like were these things.
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drop a vote on my battle.peace
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108195

dont sleep

..I really enjoyed reading this..very emotional...I agree with your comment about "long piece getting slept on"..that seems to happen alot...anyway..this was excellent..not as good as some others I've read from you from the past(far better than the most)..but this was an enjoyable read...peace...

now normaly i say something like "this sucked go shoot yourself" to other people, but i always enjoy reading your shit, very emotional and had a good flow, i'll continue reading your post when i see them (i don't read many) don't worry bout other people not commenting, they see the length and get scared.

hmm...
I find it odd writing in the third person because the piece comes out seeming oddly detached. I could see the emotion in this, and the desperation, almost, but it seemed oddly...set aside? I dunno

the pattern element of the the music of their love was really really dope. It carried the piece along perfectly, and made you keep reading. I think you could have elaborated more on what made the music grow old though.

Also, I know you said the techincal aspects of the piece were worse, because you weren't focusing on them, but some of it was just careless. Rhymes clearly forced and such. But then, I didn't notice them on first read, so maybe they don't matter.

it's nice to see something more emotional from you
good piece chritizzle
caress my buffdoo :rolleyes:

Thanks = )

What I Didn't Like About It: The flow fell off in a lot of points. More than I'm used to seeing when I read your pieces.

What I Did Like: Nothing..........just kidding. You put a lot of emotion into this. Which can somewhat make up for the lack of flow. I know when you're trying to portray something that actually happened, or something that's based on an event. It can sometimes be hard to find the right words, and still make it all flow consistently. There were strong feelings behind it though and they were thoroughly conveyed. You had fairly good imagery, I could picture a lot of it as it was happening. Oops, forgot something in the not likes. I didn't like the transition phase. It was very abrupt. You pulled it off, but it could have been so much doper if you elaborated. I guess Maven already stated that though. Anyway, not a bad Piece Chrit. I like reading these kind of Open Mics. Kudos

Plz check this...it's getting slept on.

Problems:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108962

I loved it..*tear drop*
It was deep..heartfelt..ish..
Thoughts were there..
Long like this shouldn't get buried..
Vocabulary was on point..yet not to extreme for the topic..
I think i've got an idea why you wrote this..
Me..I'd give it a dope..one of my highest rankings..

Thanks...

And yeah the flow was almost irrelevant to me when writing it...
Its almost more of a poetic storytelling type piece...

And the abruptness of the transitions was intentional as thats they way they felt

Ahh, I see





I still woulda liked a more elaborative transition :-p Now go check mine >:|

^^^
Will do after doing some audio work