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Dear Journal..(My best Open Mic..)
Dear Journal, I think found my diamond in the rough, my gem, my pearl The thing I sought so long and hard for i think found that special girl I can't believe it ,it seems a eternity I've wished for this dream This is woman is a fantasy to me, I'll never wake it up it seems My whole life was dim to me before now, I don't know how How I lived before i met her......i can't explain it...........wow The tragedy that overhshadowed me it seems so far away The shade on my life has been raised, I've reached a brand new day A new outlook i have been givin, a new perspective of the earth The day i looked into your eyes, and we kissed it was my rebirth I don't know how i lived without you, but that old life...it seems so far But all that matters now is that I'm with you, things can't get better than they are If somebody asked how much I loved you, it would be to much to tell Your beauty is enchanting, and your love has me under a spell Sincerely, Penskills ........................6 months later.................. Dear Journal, It's been 6 months ,its kinda weird but me and her are fine I guess But things been different between us, I think its just lovers stress Don't get me wrong I've been blessed, to have such a special companion But lately our bonds been put to the test, everything is so demandin Our understandin.........will overcome our disagreements I gotta believe it, without her there's no use in breathin If she was leavin...........i couldn't take it, it'll break my heart in two My life would be demolished, there'd be no need to start anew Please let this work out i need you, can't you see that I can't lose you I'll never let nothin come between us, I'll always choose you Why do you put me through this, your actin clueless like it don't hurt me But baby don't desert me, I'll take the pain to make this work please If i have to get down on my knees to make it work ......... then i'll do it Your love to me is a disease......I never wanna get immune to it wait.........why am i trippin man, it's cool she would never creep I need to stop letting this shit get to me I need to get some sleep Signed, Pen ................6 months later Dear Journa------ ----- AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK THIS, How Can she do this? She said loved me! I Shed tears for this girl, she said she said she'll put noone above me A year of my life.................a year................ I sacraficed for you I put everything else on hold, I told you I'd take a knife for you And this is how you treat me???!!!!!! This is what you do??????????? Bitch you left me screwed........I'm left with nothing,WHO DO I HAVE??? WHO???? I have nothing, no fucking FRIENDS not even one aquatiance They thought eventually I'd come back, but they all ran out of patience I said it'll be okay, I figured that you were all i needed I even ran my parents out my life, even though they wanted back in, they pleaded I gave the finger to the world, It was them 'ginst me and you But now everything is different, it's me you give the finger to I have nobody left nothing, just the memories of us I have no reason for my being, you broke my one and only trust This wasn't lust it was love girl ,I knew that from the start Now my heart is gonna burst from all the pain it's tearing it apart OH my God is seems no matter what i try to do I fail I don't even want to live another day Lord please help me, Pen Next day....................Washington Post Fairfax,VA----- Tuesday morning at 10 am. Found behind a nearby pizza hut Was a young man in a dumpster, both of his wrists were cut The paramedics were called but he was prenounced dead on the scene The cause was determined suicide, the young man was just a teen Friends and family had noticed him withdrawing from all activites His parents sent him to couseling, but there was just no remedy His life was slowly sliding into a downward spial His the friends he had left try to warn him but he just responded with denial Memorial services will be held Thursday at Thomas Jefferson High school A wake will be held Friday night, followed in the morning by a funeral The whole community is in awe on how this young mans life was stopped They say this young man had a future nobody knew it could have flopped This man wanted to be a Lawyer, he planned to Graduate from Yale The teen who died name was Jay, but his friends called him Penskill |
it was very good...flow was tight you had good vocab and a topic. you really came well wit it. one of the best i've heard in a while.
9/10 can ya return the favour and vote on this. thanks. http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108879 |
pretty good drop here... (if i dont mention the centering)... the first verse started off decent, but then the flow kinda fell, with the way you jus stopped the rhymes, but the second improved, a good smooth flow going, and the scheme was better, same with the rest, quite consistant,,, i would say, use more internals to livin it up a bit, but i liked the concept and it was executed quite well.... decent drop...
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Thanks for the replies..anyone else..
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indeed, this was very well constructed...it was hard for me to find the flow at first, but it was there. The technical aspects of this piece were overshadowed by the emotion...I had a strange feeling that this wasn't genuine though. There was not actual pain or heartache behind it, simply because once you started ranting in the 3rd entry, it seemed to just say all the things everyone says...
there didn't seem to be anything personal included, I guess is what I'm getting at. I liked how in every entry you started out reassuring yourself through the journal, and then it seemed to talk to her instead. I liked the emphasis on the "I need to get some sleep" because that's what I say whenever anything starts to feel weird, LoL. The fact that the news report was in rhyme was rather original, most people who include a news report at the end usually just write it out. I usually do. I find that suicide at the end of pieces is usually wack, but this was pulled off well. good work dude. |
^ thanks for the great breakdown...anyone else...
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...50 views and no replies..what the fuck~~
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Yo shit was good no doubt.....I Like the way it painted a mental piucture all the way through....got some real talent.....i read your commercial vs underground an must say its the best shit ive read ina loooooooooooong time. but this shit was hot. I appreciate the honesty on my DAY & NIGHT Pt. 2 piece.....thanks!! I look forward to reading more of your work. Hit me up sometime.
DAY & NIGHT Pt 2 http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=109000 |
this was Hot.....i was moved by the emothion you exerted here....flow was on and off at times but consistant most of the time....metas were impressive....strucutre was weird but cool in a way.....
overall i'd say this makes a great open mic...9/10 |
This was raw as fuck... I've seen alot of drops like this and honestly I was like played concept but... shit... the 6 months later was sick... need a crew..?
W.E... hell if not... we should collab... or something... hit me up... blah_e_blah@yahoo.com |
Damn this is my favorite of everything you written...full feeling it 'cos you put a lot of emotion to it man...the best I seen from you.
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..Thanks for the feedbacks...anyone else...
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This is actaully the only thing ive read from you and overall i think it was pretty damn nice...
The first verse was the only one i wasnt completely feelin, the flow was a LIL off there(to me) and you needed more internals like homeboy said... 2nd 3rd and 4th verses were all nice and consistant, final draft quality... I didnt expect that last new report to rhyme but that was tight too... your last 3 verses flowed alot better than the first and i was feelin it... Nice ideas n concepts, you kinda made it original in your own way... Definetly an ill piece... |
..Uppin...
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dope...like my open mics..that i drop occasionally..just not here...reminded me of..dear stan by eminem
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