As the World Turns
 

This is my first drop in a good while..Hope you enjoy this..I found it in some old papers...I wrote it awhile back...Feedback Please..

The world Turns at a steady speed
People make there living, working and selling weed
Some live in the third dimension
Kids spend their time in detention
Even as all this shit goes on
The world still turns on its own


Tension builds inside the Human brain
Draining all sanity, drives you insane
Always pushing yourself to do better
Yet it all ends with a suicide letter
Now, even though your gone
The world still turns on its own

~It's short But tell me what yah think plz~ peAce :shocked:

hey yo this is a reel nice peace!! very well written and thought out

ThankZ. I try my best on them...uppin'

peAce

decent..I try not to be too harsh with femcees..so..I'll stop here..peace..

Well...Say what you want..Its welcome..It helps..

peAce

I don't believe there is ever a thing called being "too harsh".

Hm... this was rather raw. Wasn't cooked well, if you know what I mean. I think this shows a lot of promising talent if you'd take things and work them over. Process it in your head, and revise things. Some of those lines like the dimension/detention one in general was really great. If you'd work this peice over you can come up with a lot of better lines it too.

It's promising, keep up the good work.

~Irenic~

Thankz for the reply...I appreciate the "harshness" lol, I will work with it and see what I come up with. I may make it a little longer, Who knows. We'll see what happens.

peAce

i felt what was written here was pretty decent too, but i felt you could have added more detail and flava to it. and it could be expanded, like more lines, with more of a story it seemed like you were building up to something, then we missed a chapter then it was the end. but what you have was nice.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

I agree with Nec and Filed, the concept you have is good, and this is a good start, I just think you should go over this again and re-write it to give it more emotion, and strength, more of your experession, b/c it was kind of weak.To help, pay attention to the words you use, try to pick those that express more, like instead of using "happy" say something like "overwhelming bliss"... i dont know if that was a good example, but i think you get what i mean. I think it would be better also if you added more, got more indepth, and elaborated the story some. This piece was ok... soem constructive criticism... keep writing