white lines
 

Sick to the stomach, white line thrills for a while
high like i'm fly, in the sky, for a while
red lines, dancing 'fore my eyes for a while
crash to the dirt and i'm hurt for a while
damn the shit was good when it lasts for a while
like sex, 'cept it made me vomit bile for a while
nigga trey says "we bounce the crib for a while?"
mirror, glass, dollar bill, we leave for a while
show up to the club feelin fly for a while
wit my niggas shouting "let us in, dawg" for a while
the bouncer wants no beef - he disagrees for a while
Thrown out.
damn I'm on the pavement for a while.


First post. Critique if u want. Think it's wack. I don't give a fuck I'm high anyways.

its a NO NO, rhyming the same word on every line... you need to completely change that scheme... build it up with some complexity and make them longer, so you can get more into it.... ya need to work on it................hit mine

This wasnt that good.....like Dev said do not rhyme the same word over and over, its just not good lol....add some multies to this to make it more complex though...some internals as well...should try to make it longer as Dev said.....but just work on the rhyme scheme, and keep at it man.

If Abstract Is Your Goel You Need Work
If Rap Is Your Goal You Need Commercial Help And Underground I.v.'s
If Poetry Was The Concept Then This Was Ok....
All And All I Dont Diss New Cats Ideas So I Will Say Be Authentic To Yourself Cause This Seam Like Your Trying To Mimicanother Artist.